kiragirl79's Blog

So I haven't been feeling well mentally or physically for awhile. Today was no exception to this gloomy feeling of unrest and feeling of physical illness. I ended up cooped up in the house all day which is certainly not helping my mood but I really didn't feel well to be going out either. My husband went out for a "tour" this morning and did not invite me or my daughter to go. I'm not sure if that was because I was feeling physically ill or if he just didn't want to be around me. Either one wouldn't surprise me really. We do not have much of a relationship anymore physically or emotionally. He hardly touches me or talks to me anymore. I have gained alot of weight so I am not too surprised that he does not want to get physical with me anymore. I have also been very on edge lately and I have outbursts at the slightest thing so I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that he hardly talks to me or wants to be around me anymore. It is still hard for me because right now I need him the most. I am going through a major life change by moving to Tennessee and I will soon face the rigors of a career advancement that I am a little unshaky about. My husband and previous coworkers seem to think that I can do it. I don't have as much faith in myself. I hope that I can really pull this off because I do not want to put a nail in the coffin so to speak. Back to being on edge....this has manifested itself against my daughter, outsiders who seem to oppose me, my immediate family, and my husband. I don't know if it is because of all of the uncertainty that I am feeling about the job, the move, etc or because I have been cooped up in the house for the most part for a week. The house is still not completely organized either which adds to my frustration. I don't deal well with chaos and disorder and my whole life feels chaotic and unorganized at this point. I am beginning to wish that I would have just went back to va. At least there, I know people and have support systems in place. Here, I have nobody but my husband and my daughter. I don't get out much so meeting people is going to be a major challenge for me. I just feel so lonely and depressed right now. I have been sleeping until 12:00 or 1:00 every day and some days I even take a nap for a few hours. I just wish that I could shake all of the sadness and loneliness that I am feeling right now. I feel like I am falling further and further into darkness. I know that I always eventually dig my way out but I just don't feel that the end is in sight. We are planning to go to va for thanksgiving so hopefully seeing family and friends will be good for my spirits. I just want to feel better. I can't even stand myself when I am feeling this way. If I can't stand myself then how can I expect anyone else to.

So, here I go again, spiraling down into a deep depression. I should have known that Richard leaving for 4 months would trigger such a thing. I guess that I knew it deep down, but didn't want to believe it. It has been 2 weeks now since he has left and I am still sleeping most of the day, crying alot, feeling useless, hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I feel really bad for Kali because she has to see me go through this. She has remained cheerful and sweet in spite of it all. Every day it gets harder to make myself get out of the bed. I don't have the will to do anything, to shower, to change clothes, to eat, to get up out of bed. I finally got up at 1 today because Kali came in and told me that it was late and that I needed to get up. I have some friends here, but nobody that I can depend on and nobody that I would trust enough to tell my little secret. I don't know what to do. I hurt so bad that it is making me feel physically sick. I just want my baby to come back. I miss him so damn much!

Well, this weekend, I had my first visitor from out of town. My brother flew in from Winston-Salem NC. It was really nice to see a friendly familiar face, since things have been so dreary out here in the frozen cornfields of Iowa. Friday we ended up just hanging out at the house because we got snow and the roads weren't good. Unfortunately, the state was looking for one of my calls at work so that they could listen to it, so I have been anxious about whether they reviewed the call and if I did something wrong. Since I had just gotten home from work, the anxiety was still pretty fresh and I had a hard time disconnecting. My boyfriend reminded me that there is nothing that I can do about it now anyway, so there is no point worrying, but I still have a sense of dread about going to work tomorrow. I am just bracing myself for the worst, even though I can't think of a single thing that I did wrong.

Valentines day was pretty nice. I was a little bit mean to my boyfriend as I did not receive any gifts at work on friday. It did bring me down a little bit when my coworkers, who did receive something, kept asking me if I had gotten anything yet. I was surprised on Saturday when he actually did get me something. Not that I think that he is a bad guy or anything, he is just not a romantic really. I think that I hurt his feelings because he said that I have been being very negative about him lately. I don't mean to be and I really do love him alot. I guess that I have just been negative in general. The veil of depression finally seems to be lifting gradually and I have felt better this past week then I have in awhile. I guess that I have resigned to the fact that there is no turning back now. I made a decision to move and accept this new position and now I am going to have to do whatever it takes to make it work. I know that I am capable, I just have to pull myself together and make it work.

Unfortunately Saturday night I couldn't find a babysitter, so me and my brother went to the gay club. At first things weren't working out so well for me and I wasn't having very much luck with the ladies, but by the end of the night I met Stephanie...this really cute little lesbian. We mainly just danced and flirted and we were both horribly drunk, so I don't know that she will even remember me if we meet again. I guess in my drunken state, I was a little bit less shy then usual. She moved in pretty fast and was pretty much feeling me up, so I took the opportunity to do the same. She told me that she will be there next friday so I should come out again. I talked to my boyfriend as we had already made plans to celebrate belated valentines day together next weekend. He mentioned something about us going out there on friday and he would kind of hang back. I don't know, I kind of wanted to celebrate belated valentines day with him, but he might find it pretty hot to watch me and some chick feeling each other up on the dance floor, that is if she would even remember me. Hmmmm....decisions, decisions. I guess we will see.

 Wow...it's been awhile. To recap on all of the excitement....I have moved to Iowa, I am working at my new job, and life has been pretty sucky. I stopped taking abilify because I thought that it was making me sleepy and I started showing symptoms of diabetes. Come to find out the sleepiness is a bad case of depression and no diabetes. In fact, from what my doctor told me today, my physical health seems to be fine. I still want to sleep all day and all night and I have no motivation to do anything much. I guess that the huge life change threw me into a state of depression. So far I have been in it for about a month and a half. In addition to the chronic sense of sleepiness, I have felt that I am veiled in sadness and have had frequent crying spells. I even came home from work early the other day because I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. My boyfriend keeps telling me that I am strong enough and that I can do it, but I just don't feel like it. Most days I feel like I can't seem to get anything right, especially at work, and have even seriously contemplated quitting my job. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have no way out. I am responsible for keeping the household going financially, so failure is not an option. I think that this puts even more pressure on me and makes me even more anxious.

Everyday I keep hoping for brighter days, but each day seems to be harder to handle, even when things aren't quite so "bad" anyway. I finally went to the doctor today after 2 months of wheezing and feeling like shit in general, to find out that my health is okay. She did give me a referral for a psychiatrist. I guess it is just mental. That is usually the bulk of my problem anyway...mental. I wish that I could just shake it, just snap my fingers and feel better, but it's not that easy for me. I guess that is part of the curse of having bipolar disorder...uncontrollable mental instability...doomed to be emotionally unstable, have erratic behavior...what a life....never knowing how I will feel from one day to the next...having emotional crises over everything and nothing at all....not being able to cope with change. This job opportunity and move was supposed to be a good thing, a move in the right direction, but so far I am just struggling to hang on.

So today was my first day out on the floor at work and things were hectic. It was obvious that we have not been adequately trained. Although things were stressful, I hung in there and I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I am pretty tired and just want to go to bed but everyone in the house is being grumpy.

Richard drove to Des Moines today to try to straighten out his overdrafted bank account only to find that there is no wachovia in des moines. On top of that something is wrong with his car, so he is in a VERY bad mood...I think the worst one that I have ever seen.

Then we don't have food to cook for dinner, so I was going to take him and Kali out and Kali started throwing one of her fits. I finally got her ready, but Richard was looking so sour that I really didn't want to take either one of them out. I don't want to be in the middle and I am not in the mood for either one of their shit. Needless to say, Richard went for a walk and Kali is grounded to her room. I have some training things to organize and then I will probably scrounge something together for dinner and try to avoid both of them.

It is bad enough that I had a rough day at work, but to have to come home to this is just ridiculous! I really hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

Well, my boyfriend read my blogs and I guess that I upset him. We just don't see things the same way. He doesn't think that marriage will help me to feel that he loves me and feels that my self esteem is the problem. Maybe he is right. I do feel like a fat, worthless piece of shit most of the time. I am tainted, emotionally unstable, moody, and unattractive in my eyes. I have a hard time seeing anything good in myself. Most of the time I wish that I could be someone else and feel like I am completely unlovable. I wish that it wasn't so because all I really want is to be loved and to feel loved, but I don't know how.

I know that he is going through alot right now and that I am not making things easier on him. I honestly feel like he will not be happy until he goes back to Switzerland and I feel that me and Kali are the only things keeping him here. I feel really guilty about this because the only thing that I want is for him to be truly happy. Unfortunately nothing that I do can bring him the happiness that he deserves.

Well, we went out last night for Richard's birthday last night and it was not as great as I had hoped that it would be. We went out to Olive Garden for dinner which was nice and then went to a country bar that plays dance music in between. It just wasn't what I expected. I ended up spending most of the night sitting with Richard since I don't like country music and my feet were killing me. Not to mention that I didn't think about the fact that he cannot dance because of his back. We did dance to like one song together which was nice. We ended up going to another club afterwards and there was nobody there so we didn't stay long. The music was better but the dj was not very good. He kept switching from house to techno to hip hop really quickly instead of playing each in like a 30 minute set. Then some of my friends ended up canceling out on us so it ended up being 4 of us instead of seven. All in all it just wasn't the night that I had hoped that it would be. I didn't drink very much and I just wasn't into it really. <br><br>

I guess I came into it on a bad note anyway. When I was on Richard's computer I saw that he has these pictures of these really hot chicks saved on his computer. I said something to him about it before we left. I told him that if that is what he wants then he can go and get it and give them herpes too. It just really hurt my ego to see it. I guess that it shouldn't have been such a big deal. What man doesn't want to look at pics of gorgeous women, especially when they have someone who is only moderately attractive at home...but it hurt me and made me feel really ugly. I am fighting back tears now thinking about it again. I have always wanted to be pretty but I guess that we have to deal with the cards that we have been dealt. For a moment I felt like I hated him and wanted to leave him. He told me that if he didn't love me that he wouldn't have moved to Iowa with me which makes sense. Sometimes I wonder if he just wanted to move to another part of the country anyway. I mean it seems obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him and it hurts me every day. If he really loved me so much then why won't he marry me???...I even told him that he doesn't have to worry about getting a full time job and contributing half on the bills so that he can go to school like an idiot. If he is not willing to make a commitment to me then why should I be so ready to make such a commitment to him. I think that we may have to talk about that one again. I don't know if I am ready to make such a sacrifice if he is not willing to commit to me. I could end up busting my ass for two years for him to leave anyway. <br><br>

When we had sex last night, he was really aggressive and kept asking me what he has to do to prove to me that he loves me. As if it shouldn't be obvious anyway...I just didn't say anything. If he doesn't know by now then obviously he is never listening to me. He reads my blogs all the time and either he doesn't get it or he just doesn't really care. I hope that he had a good birthday because I was and am just hurting on the inside. I have done everything that I can to prove my devotion to him but it isn't worth a damn anyway. I am obviously useless and not good enough for him.

Well, quick recap on the week since I have been too busy/lazy to get on here. Things are going better with the relationship. The sex has been great, especially when he woke me up last night for a little fun. He was more aggressive than he has been lately which was also extremely exciting. I really love it when his dominant side comes out and I miss the days when I would be bound and helpless...totally at his mercy. I hope that things will continue and we will grow sexually within the bdsm context. I think that I am ready to have a master and he can teach me to be a better slave and I can teach him how to be a better master if he would take me on as his slave. So...we will see. All is well for the moment.

I did go out to the gay club on ladies night and it was pretty boring. I didn't find anyone that I was really interested in and I only got hit on by a "butch". She would have been cute if she wasn't bald. It was a good experience though. I realize now that I will not do good in a gay club because I look too girlie for people to think that I would be the boy in a girl/girl relationship, so I will only be hit on by butches. I have also come to terms with the fact that I am in fact truly bisexual. I jokingly tell people that I am straight with bi tendencies but this is not really true. For me to be attracted to a girl she has to be the total package, beauty, brains, great personality...basically a best friend that I would fuck. With this in mind, it would be very easy for me to fall in love with a girl, which could be totally confusing for me since I am already in a relationship and also could be the end of the relationship that I am in. I don't want to get myself into a situation where I am in love with two people and have to choose or worse yet end up totally alone. The idea of being with a girl is appealing to me but I love my boyfriend and it is not worth losing the relationship that we have. If things don't work out with me and Richard then who knows, but for now I will just stick with him. I don't want to complicate things or lose him so being with a girl just isn't worth the hassle to me.

Other than that, nothing much exciting this week. I am still in training at work and will go live next week. I am excited and a little bit nervous but more excited than nervous. My friend Wendy from work brought her little brother over for Kali to play with and we will probably do that again. They rocked out on guitar hero and Kali showed off of course. I mainly hung out with the baby (Wendy was babysitting the trainer from work's 18 month old son.) He was so cute and it just reminded me of how much I want to have a baby. Richard is getting ready to apply to go to school to get his mba, so that won't be a possibility for at least two years from fall, so I need to come back to reality. I am just emotionally ready to have a baby and I know that deep down I want to be with Richard forever. I know that if we were married, I would do everything I can to work through any disagreements or problems that we may have. I believe that a good marriage takes work, understanding, and compromise. I just wish that he was ready because I am....oh well, we will see....who knows what the future holds...

I am excited for this weekend. About 7 of us are going out for Richard's birthday (which is today) tonight. We are going to go out to dinner and go night clubbing. I can't wait. We girls have a whole day planned of shopping, pregaming and getting sexy for the occasion. I hope that Richard will have a great time. This is his first birthday since we have been together and I am hoping that it will be a memorable one. Last night we had the family birthday party with Kali. I made steaks for dinner and a cake for dessert. I didn't know what to get him for a gift so I will cover the costs of our evening out tonight. Kali was also really sweet last night. She made a toast to "our family", meaning the three of us. I am glad that she thinks of us as a family and hopefully the relationship will continue to grow so that Richard will take me on as his wife.

So...I am spending yet another boring morning by myself struggling to find something to do. The house is clean, everyone is asleep, it is now 9:35 and I have been up since 6...So I'm left to my ipod, my thoughts, and my blog. I have realized over the past week or so that I am suffering from chronic boredom. I know that I have mentioned before that I feel that I have fallen into the boring housewifely motherly role with no excitement. This is definitely true of the present. Not only that but my boyfriend is in a depressive state and has no libido, so I am feeling left out in the cold. I can't even depend on a normal sex life to provide some excitement. I know that it is not his fault and that I am the same way when depressed, but it isn't helping me out any.

In addition, my daughter is really acting out a whole lot since the move. She cries about how I took her away from her family and how she misses them. I miss my friends and family too and I know that she is too young to understand why I would move away so far, but at the same time, my patience is waning. Not to mention that I have forgotten to take my abilify yet again, so today could be a really fun day, especially since I feel mania coming on...

I just don't know what to do. I know that I can't keep going on like this though. I need some excitement in my life or I will end up doing something stupid and impulsive which I will later regret. I am already feeling urges that are luckily directed at women, but I know that I can't keep going on like this. I love my boyfriend, but I also need to feel loved and desired by him which I am definitely not feeling right now. Last night we had sex and he couldn't even maintain an erection. I mean what the fuck is so wrong with me. I know that I have put on a little bit of weight and I am chubby but I am sure there are plenty of attractive men out there who would want to be with me. He said that it was bc he took two klonopin and also that he has no libido due to depression. I guess that is a plausible reason, but again it is not helping me out any. I already have a low self esteem and this just makes me feel even lower. We are lucky to have sex twice a week...I guess that I am being selfish, but I can't help the feelings that I have. I want to be there for him, but his depression is caused by the no job situation and unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about that. I hope that he will find something soon, so that things can go back to the way that they were.

 Well, so far everything since moving has went fairly well, but for some reason I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed today. There is so much material to learn in training and then I have to learn all of the supervisor stuff on top of that, so I guess that this is a normal feeling. I was so tired today that I came home and napped until almost 8:30. I am still tired, but feel a bit refreshed. I think that my body needed a good rest. I guess that stress is wearing me down a little bit, so I am trying to use some of my dbt soothing skills to deal with it effectively so that I don't have one of my "breakdowns". I know that even when I get out on the floor, things are going to be difficult, but I caught on in va so I know that I can here too, it is just going to take some time.

Besides that, I have also been having one of my "fat" days. I didn't exercise yesterday since it was my day off and I had to be in early today, so I haven't yet. I plan on doing it once Kali goes to bed. I think that will also help me feel a little bit better. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own body bc it doesn't feel like my body anymore. I guess that I shouldn't stress so much about it bc I am trying to do something about it and I have to give it time, but it is hard not to feel like a bloated sea cow! I just want my body back. Is that too much to ask for?...

The trainer stopped on the elevator and told me that I am sooo pretty...that was shocking coming from another female out of the blue. I thanked her and told her that I don't think so. She told me that she knows that I don't think so. That may be why she said it or maybe she could tell that I was having a "down" day and was trying to cheer me up. She also has depressive tendencies...Anyhow, it was nice to get a compliment, especially on a day when I am feeling kinda bad anyway. 

Other than that, nothing to complain about. New years was pretty good besides the fact that my daughter was being a complete brat. I think that she is acting out bc of the move, so I am trying not to be too hard on her. She has been having alot of mood swings lately. I am sure that this will pass as time moves on. She did make some friends already which will help some as well. I am just ready to get settled into my new job and for Kali to start and get settled into school. She should make more friends which will also help out alot with the transition. I guess that I am just ready for the transition to be over and for life to settle down.

I don't deal well with change, but so far I think that I have been doing okay considering the fact that this was a relatively large change. I switched jobs, moved 19 hours away, (leaving behind all of my friends and family), and pretty much left behind life as I know it. So...yeah, stressing just a little...

So today was nothing special...no earth shattering or exciting events to tell about, just a normal day. I went back to work today. Nothing really exciting going on there...still in training...same old same old.

I have been getting really concerned about my weight gain again. I had started to lose the weight that I had put on after trying risperdal, but I have managed to put it all back on. I feel pretty disgusted with it and the sight of my naked body makes me want to puke, so I started working out again. I will probably work out again when Kali goes to bed. I also got a bunch of healthy foods so that I can start being more conscious of my food choices since that is one of the main causes of my recent weight gain. I also normally gain weight in the winter, so I guess that this is pretty typical of me around this time of year anyway, but I still don't have to be happy about it.

I did get a compliment at work today that made me feel a little bit better about myself. The trainer said that I looked like I was glowing and that my complexion was all nice and clear. She asked me what I was all cute today for. Since I have been feeling so down about my appearance, it was nice to get a compliment from someone that I am not close to. It seems that the antibiotics that I am taking to clear up my acne are finally working. I am hoping that after two months the problem will be solved and I can come off of the antibiotics. The doc told me that if I still had problems after 2 months, I may have to take it for the rest of my life. Luckily it is not expensive, but I really hope that 2 months will do the trick.

So....that's about it. I think that tonight I may revisit my dbt workbook. I have been meaning to do so for awhile, but just never get around to it. Things are pretty calm around here so far, so I may take some time out for me.

So...everything is still going well in the new home. Kali is finally here and she has already managed to make friends with some kids that live next door. I am really happy about that. It will help her to make a smoother transition. I hope to make things as painless as possible. I may have alot of changes going on but she does too, but so far she is doing well. Hopefully she will continue to do well over time.

Richard is still looking for a job. He seems to be a little bit less stressed than before, but he could also just be working really hard to cover it up. He said that he is concerned bc his funds are running low. I hope that he will continue to be positive. I am sure that he will find something. Hopefully the move will prove to be a good experience and opportunity for all of us.

Well, I went back to the hometown to visit everyone for xmas. Besides the grueling 19 hour drive (which wasn't so bad after all) everything went well. I had a slight meltdown on xmas. I was pretty depressed bc the electric guitar that my ex bought for my daughter outshined the bike that I got for her, I wrote heartfelt cards for my family and they didn't seem to notice or care, and I had no gift to open from my boyfriend on xmas. I am over it now, but I was really upset. I don't know why I let things get to me so bad, but I can't seem to help it.

Worst of all, the thing that I was the most upset about this year was the fact that I had nothing to open from my boyfriend on our first xmas together. He bought me a car stereo awhile back and we agreed that it would be my xmas present, but it would have been nice to have a card or something to show me that he was thinking of me. I still shouldn't have gotten as upset as I did and luckily I got over it pretty quick.

As far as my daughter and my family, I am over that too. I know that my daughter will get more use out of the bike that I got her and it was the one that she asked for. I also know that she loves me and that is what is really important. As for the fam, they told me later that they didn't read the cards until later and they at least told me that they are just being selfish. I still wish that they would have told me that they were proud of me.

Well, it is story time....so off to listen to story time with the little one.

Well, besides the fact that I was bored shitless earlier today, it has been a pretty decent day. I also forgot to take my antipsychotic last night and also my antidepressant and other meds this morning....maybe part of the reason why I was so bored and bitchy anyway.

Me and my bf went to the gay club again tonight. I didn't score but it was fun. I even went up onstage and danced with a gay guy. lol! It was good to get out of the house again and also to be able to have the confidence to get out there and dance a little bit. Other than that, not much to tell. I am pretty tired right now and I will definately not forget my antipsychotics tonight or I might go into a hypomanic fit of sorts with all of the changes around me.

So, I am sitting here with nothing to do bloggity blogging bc I am totally bored out of my mind. I have already cleaned the house, it is cold as hell outside, and I am slightly tired yet unable to sleep. I hate being bored bc it makes me irritable and bitchy and I just sit around and think negatively.

I guess I will work on my DBT skills workbook some when I get done venting about the everything and nothing at all that is my life...I have been up and down...positive about myself and then sitting here loathing the day that I was born...I don't get me sometimes...so I am going to work on my dbt skills to try to learn how to think more positively. That could take some time especially when it comes to thinking positively about  myself, but I have to do something. I know how ridiculous it all is, but I can't seem to stop myself and I am  tired of hating myself so much. I am not that bad looking and although I am slightly crazy, I am a nice person...so wtf. Why do I always feel so ugly and useless. I mean everything in my life is going good right now. I just got a job promotion, I finally moved away from town, I have a nicer place to live and a much better salary, I have a daughter and boyfriend who love me...

Boredom...that is my f...ing problem. I am just a dried up old mom. What happened to the "It" girl life of the party. Now if I go to a bar or party, I am too shy to even speak and half of the time, I have not a clue as to what to say. It is like I want to be social, but I don't even know how anymore. For example...last night me and my bf went to a gay bar. I wouldn't dance even though I was drunk and I mainly just sat there and observed all night. I was hoping to find some hot chick to maybe get to know a little bit better. Although there weren't really very many hot chicks there, even if there had been, I wouldn't have had the nerve to approach one. The one really pretty chick there was 20 times hotter than me, so it is not like I would have stood a chance. Not to mention the ohhhh...yeah....by the way, I have herpes and hpv so you might want to run the other way that I can't seem to get over.

I would like to be with a chick but it is not the right time anyway. I have too much else going on to introduce a new relationship into my life. Not to mention that I have a bf and I just think that it would end up causing problems and it isn't worth all of that to me. For one, I am too insecure to let him watch. For another, I can't just have a fulfilling one night stand with a chick. I have to get to know them and be there friend which would end up turning into a relationship and ultimately either her or my bf would end up getting hurt in the end if not all parties involved.

My bf seems to be all for it, but I don't think that he realizes the implications of having such a relationship. What would happen if I fell in love with her?...I am not a lesbian, but I have fallen in love with a chick before and my bf of the time ended up totally in the cold. Does Richard really want to risk that to watch two chicks get it on? I guess that has been bothering me deep down, but I haven't been able to express it to him yet bc he just seems so gung ho about it, although he says that it wouldn't matter to him either way. He tells me that it is for me, but I know that he wants it for him too and I guess that it bothers me that he would risk so much for something so petty.   Maybe one day I will be able to open my mouth and tell him or maybe he will just have to read it here...who knows...

But I digress. Back to my current state as a dried up old mom who doesn't know how to party anymore. I had a dream the other day. I was at a party and there were a lot of people there. I was wearing this really daring see through red lace pants outfit and my body was all toned and my face was clear. I was really looking like a million dollars. I was on the dance floor dancing really sexy and all of these people were watching me. All of the guys were eyeing me like they were ready to pounce on me and all of the chicks were giving me compliments and everyone wanted to be my friend. That is how life used to be for me. I was pretty, popular, the "It" girl...life of the party.

What was interesting was that my bf was not in the dream. It is as if my subconscious was trying to remind me that I was the life of the party before I started dating Richard. It is like I have become this lifeless housewifely type since we have been together and all of the fun has just been sucked out of me. Just prior to dating Richard, I was confident, social, the one that all of my friends looked up to. I was doing nude amateur photography, starring in small indie horror films, and putting on large toy/comic/horror conventions. I was always meeting new and interesting people, traveling, and going out when my daughter was not around.

I just wish that I could find the balance between housewife, mom, and party girl. I am tired of being so quiet and reserved, but I don't want to be all party either. I am ready to be settled, but I would also like to have an interesting social life as well. It is not Richard's fault...I allowed myself to become this boring person that I am, but somehow I have got to find a way to change it. There is this social and confident girl buried deep inside of me, but I can't seem to let her out.

Well, yesterday was a much better day. We got off of work early because the trainer couldn't make it in. She said it was due to the weather, but I know otherwise. She lives in Des Moines and me and my boyfriend decided to take a trip to the big city.

We ate at a german restaraunt which was really cool bc I haven't eaten at one of those in years. Then we went shopping and my boyfriend finally found some things that he liked so I bought his xmas presents. We were hoping to meet up with a couple that I met while I was in Des Moines for my job interview, but they were busy, so hopefully we will be able to meet up tonight for a drink or something. I also hope that they score bc I am jonesing for some 420. We resorted to smoking resin in desperation. lol!

Anyhow, so things seem to be getting a little bit better. We had a good time and also got to see the city a little bit. My boyfriend was also very affectionate which was nice since he has been cold and distant lately. He is really stressed bc his funds are low and he hasn't found a job yet. I mean, we just got here and I can afford to take care of everything right now, so he shouldn't stress so much. I wouldn't want to support him forever, but I love him and wouldn't mind helping him through a rough patch. It would only be fair anyway as he put all of the moving expenses on his credit card. The company will be paying it back, but I didn't have enough credit available to do it, so hah! He helped me so I can help him.

Other than that, nothing much to tell. I recently increased my abilify to 6 mg bc I was becoming slightly hypomanic and my mood has seemed to be pretty stable. I have been a little bit depressed off and on but I think that is bc I just moved, I don't know anybody, my boyfriend has been stressed and distant, and for the moment I am broke. I have also been missing my little girl alot which is not helping I'm sure. Fortunately it hasn't been a full blown fit of depression, I have just felt a little bit blue.