The night was okay... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, we went out last night for Richard's birthday last night and it was not as great as I had hoped that it would be. We went out to Olive Garden for dinner which was nice and then went to a country bar that plays dance music in between. It just wasn't what I expected. I ended up spending most of the night sitting with Richard since I don't like country music and my feet were killing me. Not to mention that I didn't think about the fact that he cannot dance because of his back. We did dance to like one song together which was nice. We ended up going to another club afterwards and there was nobody there so we didn't stay long. The music was better but the dj was not very good. He kept switching from house to techno to hip hop really quickly instead of playing each in like a 30 minute set. Then some of my friends ended up canceling out on us so it ended up being 4 of us instead of seven. All in all it just wasn't the night that I had hoped that it would be. I didn't drink very much and I just wasn't into it really. <br><br>

I guess I came into it on a bad note anyway. When I was on Richard's computer I saw that he has these pictures of these really hot chicks saved on his computer. I said something to him about it before we left. I told him that if that is what he wants then he can go and get it and give them herpes too. It just really hurt my ego to see it. I guess that it shouldn't have been such a big deal. What man doesn't want to look at pics of gorgeous women, especially when they have someone who is only moderately attractive at home...but it hurt me and made me feel really ugly. I am fighting back tears now thinking about it again. I have always wanted to be pretty but I guess that we have to deal with the cards that we have been dealt. For a moment I felt like I hated him and wanted to leave him. He told me that if he didn't love me that he wouldn't have moved to Iowa with me which makes sense. Sometimes I wonder if he just wanted to move to another part of the country anyway. I mean it seems obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him and it hurts me every day. If he really loved me so much then why won't he marry me???...I even told him that he doesn't have to worry about getting a full time job and contributing half on the bills so that he can go to school like an idiot. If he is not willing to make a commitment to me then why should I be so ready to make such a commitment to him. I think that we may have to talk about that one again. I don't know if I am ready to make such a sacrifice if he is not willing to commit to me. I could end up busting my ass for two years for him to leave anyway. <br><br>

When we had sex last night, he was really aggressive and kept asking me what he has to do to prove to me that he loves me. As if it shouldn't be obvious anyway...I just didn't say anything. If he doesn't know by now then obviously he is never listening to me. He reads my blogs all the time and either he doesn't get it or he just doesn't really care. I hope that he had a good birthday because I was and am just hurting on the inside. I have done everything that I can to prove my devotion to him but it isn't worth a damn anyway. I am obviously useless and not good enough for him.