Chronic Boredom | kiragirl79's Blog

So...I am spending yet another boring morning by myself struggling to find something to do. The house is clean, everyone is asleep, it is now 9:35 and I have been up since 6...So I'm left to my ipod, my thoughts, and my blog. I have realized over the past week or so that I am suffering from chronic boredom. I know that I have mentioned before that I feel that I have fallen into the boring housewifely motherly role with no excitement. This is definitely true of the present. Not only that but my boyfriend is in a depressive state and has no libido, so I am feeling left out in the cold. I can't even depend on a normal sex life to provide some excitement. I know that it is not his fault and that I am the same way when depressed, but it isn't helping me out any.

In addition, my daughter is really acting out a whole lot since the move. She cries about how I took her away from her family and how she misses them. I miss my friends and family too and I know that she is too young to understand why I would move away so far, but at the same time, my patience is waning. Not to mention that I have forgotten to take my abilify yet again, so today could be a really fun day, especially since I feel mania coming on...

I just don't know what to do. I know that I can't keep going on like this though. I need some excitement in my life or I will end up doing something stupid and impulsive which I will later regret. I am already feeling urges that are luckily directed at women, but I know that I can't keep going on like this. I love my boyfriend, but I also need to feel loved and desired by him which I am definitely not feeling right now. Last night we had sex and he couldn't even maintain an erection. I mean what the fuck is so wrong with me. I know that I have put on a little bit of weight and I am chubby but I am sure there are plenty of attractive men out there who would want to be with me. He said that it was bc he took two klonopin and also that he has no libido due to depression. I guess that is a plausible reason, but again it is not helping me out any. I already have a low self esteem and this just makes me feel even lower. We are lucky to have sex twice a week...I guess that I am being selfish, but I can't help the feelings that I have. I want to be there for him, but his depression is caused by the no job situation and unfortunately there is nothing that I can do about that. I hope that he will find something soon, so that things can go back to the way that they were.