Boring.... | kiragirl79's Blog

So, I am sitting here with nothing to do bloggity blogging bc I am totally bored out of my mind. I have already cleaned the house, it is cold as hell outside, and I am slightly tired yet unable to sleep. I hate being bored bc it makes me irritable and bitchy and I just sit around and think negatively.

I guess I will work on my DBT skills workbook some when I get done venting about the everything and nothing at all that is my life...I have been up and down...positive about myself and then sitting here loathing the day that I was born...I don't get me sometimes...so I am going to work on my dbt skills to try to learn how to think more positively. That could take some time especially when it comes to thinking positively about  myself, but I have to do something. I know how ridiculous it all is, but I can't seem to stop myself and I am  tired of hating myself so much. I am not that bad looking and although I am slightly crazy, I am a nice person...so wtf. Why do I always feel so ugly and useless. I mean everything in my life is going good right now. I just got a job promotion, I finally moved away from town, I have a nicer place to live and a much better salary, I have a daughter and boyfriend who love me...

Boredom...that is my f...ing problem. I am just a dried up old mom. What happened to the "It" girl life of the party. Now if I go to a bar or party, I am too shy to even speak and half of the time, I have not a clue as to what to say. It is like I want to be social, but I don't even know how anymore. For example...last night me and my bf went to a gay bar. I wouldn't dance even though I was drunk and I mainly just sat there and observed all night. I was hoping to find some hot chick to maybe get to know a little bit better. Although there weren't really very many hot chicks there, even if there had been, I wouldn't have had the nerve to approach one. The one really pretty chick there was 20 times hotter than me, so it is not like I would have stood a chance. Not to mention the ohhhh...yeah....by the way, I have herpes and hpv so you might want to run the other way that I can't seem to get over.

I would like to be with a chick but it is not the right time anyway. I have too much else going on to introduce a new relationship into my life. Not to mention that I have a bf and I just think that it would end up causing problems and it isn't worth all of that to me. For one, I am too insecure to let him watch. For another, I can't just have a fulfilling one night stand with a chick. I have to get to know them and be there friend which would end up turning into a relationship and ultimately either her or my bf would end up getting hurt in the end if not all parties involved.

My bf seems to be all for it, but I don't think that he realizes the implications of having such a relationship. What would happen if I fell in love with her?...I am not a lesbian, but I have fallen in love with a chick before and my bf of the time ended up totally in the cold. Does Richard really want to risk that to watch two chicks get it on? I guess that has been bothering me deep down, but I haven't been able to express it to him yet bc he just seems so gung ho about it, although he says that it wouldn't matter to him either way. He tells me that it is for me, but I know that he wants it for him too and I guess that it bothers me that he would risk so much for something so petty.   Maybe one day I will be able to open my mouth and tell him or maybe he will just have to read it here...who knows...

But I digress. Back to my current state as a dried up old mom who doesn't know how to party anymore. I had a dream the other day. I was at a party and there were a lot of people there. I was wearing this really daring see through red lace pants outfit and my body was all toned and my face was clear. I was really looking like a million dollars. I was on the dance floor dancing really sexy and all of these people were watching me. All of the guys were eyeing me like they were ready to pounce on me and all of the chicks were giving me compliments and everyone wanted to be my friend. That is how life used to be for me. I was pretty, popular, the "It" girl...life of the party.

What was interesting was that my bf was not in the dream. It is as if my subconscious was trying to remind me that I was the life of the party before I started dating Richard. It is like I have become this lifeless housewifely type since we have been together and all of the fun has just been sucked out of me. Just prior to dating Richard, I was confident, social, the one that all of my friends looked up to. I was doing nude amateur photography, starring in small indie horror films, and putting on large toy/comic/horror conventions. I was always meeting new and interesting people, traveling, and going out when my daughter was not around.

I just wish that I could find the balance between housewife, mom, and party girl. I am tired of being so quiet and reserved, but I don't want to be all party either. I am ready to be settled, but I would also like to have an interesting social life as well. It is not Richard's fault...I allowed myself to become this boring person that I am, but somehow I have got to find a way to change it. There is this social and confident girl buried deep inside of me, but I can't seem to let her out.