Been awhile... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, I finally got all moved in and stuff. It has been quite awhile since I have even been on here, much less thought about doing my blog. To recap, the move went well. Everything went smoothly, although it was an excessively long drive.

I started my new job this week. Right now, I am just in training bc I have to learn about iowa child support. There are a lot of differences and they use a different computer program than we do in VA, but I seem to be catching on pretty quickly. So far, I have been bored out of my mind and they really were not adequately prepared to get into training. I feel bad for the trainer, bc it is really not her fault. She has to depend on others to get certain computer logins etc set up and they have been dragging their feet. That has messed up her training schedule. Hell, so far we have gotten an extended lunch two days in a row and got off early all week long. Not that I am complaining, but I want to get the best training possible before I go out on the floor. As a supervisor, I am really going to need to know what I am talking about. I am a little bit nervous about going out on the floor, but I know that I will do fine. I always do.

Other than that things are okay I guess. I miss my daughter like crazy and can't wait to see her at xmas. I've been pretty depressed today. Things haven't been going all that great between me and my boyfriend. When we very first got here, he seemed so happy, but for the past few days he has been distant. I even came downstairs last night and sat down on the couch naked and we just watched tv. That was a real blow to my ego and makes me hesitant to do anything that might initiate sex again in the future. I am afraid that if I get rejected again, it will really fuck up my self esteem.

When I was at work today, he texted me and apologized for not really showing me affection lately but said that he is not doing well. He says that he likes this place and that he loves me. I just don't understand. It seems like he has been unhappy since we have been dating. He almost never really seems to be happy. It is really depressing bc I love him with all of my heart and I would do anything that I could for him and I know that he would do the same for me. I try to take care of him the best that I can and I try to make him happy, but unfortunately I can't fix all of the problems with finding employment or what happened in the past. I can accept this and in my book, the fact that he moved to Iowa shows that he really does love me. I just don't know what to do. I even suggested that maybe he should go back "home" to switzerland. Sometimes I wonder if he will be happy if he gets a good job and everything is going good.

I also told him that I would like to get married one day and that I don't see that happening. This is really frustrating to me too. I am getting older, we have been together for almost a year now, and I know that I want to be with him. I just wish that he knew the same. I don't want for him to feel pressured but at the same time I am hopeless about the whole thing. In the big scheme of things, if this is just going to drag on and drag on with no commitment, then I don't want it. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, but at the same time, it hurts me constantly that he doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him and I am only going to deal with that constant pain for so long.

He says that he has a plan for that and that he has learned that you should be with the one that you need, not necessarily the one that you want...He tells me that I am what he wants, but I guess he is not sure if I am what he needs. He explained to me what he meant by that, but I still don't get it. I don't know what it would take to show him that I am the one that he needs. I have done everything for him that I can possibly do and I have stuck by him even through the rough times because that is the person that I am. When I love someone, I would do anything for that person because I care about them. 

I just feel confused, hopeless, and mad at myself for caring so much anyway. I wish that I could be emotionally detached. Right now is not the appropriate time for me to be dealing with this. I have a new job that I need to be focused on. For the most of the afternoon, I was more focused on trying not to burst into tears in front of the training class than on the actual training material. I just couldn't concentrate and focus on it.

Anyway...Richard if you are reading this...I love you and I want for you to do whatever is going to make you happy in life, even if that means leaving. I just hope that you will do whatever it takes to find your happiness because I don't know how much longer I can handle being taken on this emotional rollercoaster. I will do whatever I can, but it is really hard for me to deal with the constant pain of knowing that you are unsure of "us" and that you are in a constant state of unhappiness, even though I feel that there is nothing that I can really do to ease your unhappiness. However your uncertainty is starting to cause me to also be uncertain about "us" and any possible future together. It is like I live with a constant feeling of rejection. I don't want for this to end, but I also don't want to keep pouring all of my effort into trying to make you happy to end up lonely, empty, and rejected. I will try to hang on as long as I can, but your emotional unavailability and distance is taking a toll on my mental health as well.