Feeling Better... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, today I feel like I am back to normal. I guess increasing the effexor wasn't a bad idea. My pdoc went ahead and increased it for me as well and told me to increase my abilify to 4 mg if I begin to have racing thoughts. So...the meds seem to be helping so far which I am very happy for.

Me and my bf talked a little bit today. He is in a slightly depressive state which I already knew. I can tell because he becomes even more distant and more sleepy which is how I am. He has also been sitting on the couch for hours at a time and doing absolutely nothing which is a telltale sign of a depressive state. I am glad that he does not react as emotionally as I do but hopefully it will pass soon. I think when we move, we might both end up in hypomanic overdrive anyway, so I told him to rest up now. We have alot going on right now. I am finally way more excited than I am nervous. I have some apartments to go look at when I get to iowa and I will probably go and get more boxes so that I can pack some this weekend since I get off early today and then I have an extended weekend.

We also talked about communication issues. I told him that I think that we need to open up communication. I usually do not tell him what is wrong immediately bc I am usually too emotional to think rationally. I do usually tell him sometime later though. I know that he is not a big talker, but it is important to have open communication in a relationship. Hopefully he understands my point and will at least try to be more open with me so that I won't always be fearing the worst when he seems cold and withdrawn.

We also talked about the blog. Apparently he has been feeling worthless and useless since reading my last blog. Like I told him though, my blog is representative of what I am feeling and thinking at the moment. BPD causes black and white thinking-a person is either all good or all bad. The point of this blog is for me to be open about how I am feeling so that I can determine if something was bpd or was really warranted. It also helps me to write about things that are going on bc I don't have to talk about it, but I still have a release. I have been open enough with him to let him read my most personal and private daily thoughts, so I told him to be prepared for anything. I don't think that he is worthless or useless. I love him with all of my being and hope that we will continue to have a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

I will not, however, edit my blog bc that would defeat the purpose. I am trying to work on the bpd and this is a tool to do that, so he is just going to have to realize that sometimes I say things in here that I don't necessarily mean. I say them to protect my own self. If I write all of these negative things about him, it makes me feel okay about being so emotional. Maybe it is not the right way to go about things, but for now this is one of the ways that I deal with my overwhelming emotions. It took time for me to develop bpd tendencies and it is going to take some time for me to overcome it, but with support I know that I can do it.

So...I am feeling a whole lot better and I am ready for a great weekend with the fam. I have my big interview next week and I went and bought some warmer coats and also a new business suit for my interview. If I am looking very professional, I will feel more professional and confident. I am trying to capitalize on all of the sales going on right now bc I definitely need some new business attire.