Trying to get over it... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, me and my bf had a talk really early in the morning since I woke up. He told me that there are certain things that have to happen in order for us to get married and that he does love me unconditionally. I don't know if I really believe him. He said that there are practical things that have to be taken into consideration and that we cannot be ruled by our emotions. I guess that is my problem, that I am overly sensitive and ruled by emotions. At least now that I know where he stands on our relationship, it will not be hard for me to emotionally distance myself and maintain the wall. I have decided that emotional distance and keeping my guard up are the best things for me at this point. I have allowed myself to get too emotionally attached and if I can pull back emotionally then I will be less likely to be so hurt.

I'm still feeling pretty bad though. To make matters worse I went to a baby shower today for this girl that I work with. It was nice yet depressing to be holding and feeding these baby twins and looking at how happy my pregnant married friend was. I want my house, my husband, and my family but every day I feel like that is less and less of a possibility. I have pretty much given up on the whole idea at this point. I guess that everything that Richard said was true but it is still hard to accept. It was also pretty hard for me bc I had gotten so excited when I heard that he had a baby on the way. (from before me) I mean yes, on the one hand I was excited and on the one hand I was slightly jealous over the fact that it was by another chick, but I was more excited than anything. Things got sour towards the end of her pregnancy and she would not agree to have paternity testing, so everyone began to have more and more doubts that he may not be the father. In the end, he pretty much gave up. I understand why he gave up, but it was still crushing bc I was thinking that I would finally kind of have a "son" even though he wouldn't really be my son. Seeing those babies gave me an overwhelming feeling of sadness about the whole situation and the fact that I had become prepared to have a baby around from time to time. It all just made me really emotional to see these people who have everything that I want, especially in light of the conversation that me and my bf had last night. I still have this hole in my heart...this emptiness...