Feeling empty... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, its 3:29 am and I can't sleep. I accidentally fell asleep at 9:15 tonight, so I think that has something to do with it. Today was a fun and rough day all in one. I guess with the move lingering in the near future and also the coming holidays, I am feeling somewhat stressed and a bit emotionally unstable. On the one hand, I am excited because it is a big step in going forward with my career, I will finally be moving away from this little town, and it is a big step in my relationship. On the other hand, I am stressed about the prospect of having to find a new place and all of the things that go along with moving, I am hoping that I don't get over stressed with the new job and go into a depressive episode, and I am finally beginning to feel unsure about the future of me and my boyfriend.

Me and my boyfriend had a talk tonight and it pretty much validated what I have known all along, that I really do care about him more than he cares about me. I know I have said it a million times, but the actual validation of it from his own words was still hard to swallow. This coming just minutes after he told me that if we move and he gets a job that he plans on sticking to the plan that we had. I even wonder if he knew what I meant when I said it. I really did want to get married but I don't want to be married to someone who has doubts. Up until this point whenever I have seen the future, I have seen both of us in it and we have both been happy and successful. Now I don't even see him there, although I still see myself as being happy and successful and alone. I guess that no matter what happens, I will bounce back and I am not going to let a man bring me down. I really do care for him, but his words have caused a rift which has caused my defenses to go up. Maybe he just did what I have been trying to do for a long time anyway. He has made me skeptical of the future and I am sure to distance myself from him emotionally to lessen the impact of any possible future breakup.

He said that he is stressed and that sometimes he wonders if he wants to be with me or if he is doing the right thing. It just hurt like hell to hear that because I have never had these kind of thoughts. Ever since I have fallen in love with him, I have known that I wanted to be with him. So I finally got the admission that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It still hurts somewhat but I can already feel my heart hardening to the news and a feeling of emptiness is sweeping over me. It is like I feel like I have already lost him.

I even suggested that maybe we should break up or maybe he should stay here for awhile before possibly meeting me in Iowa. The prospect of moving alone is even scarier than with Richard, but I also don't want him to feel pressured. I want for him to move because he loves me and wants to be with me. Just like if he married me, I would want for him to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Maybe if he stayed behind for awhile, he would know whether he wants to be with me or not. To this he simply replied that he has the right to be stressed about the move and that his mind is tired. He said that he is on the edge, but doesn't know why. I agree with him as I am pretty stressed myself, but I just want for him to be sure that he wants to be with me. I may be a lot to handle at times, but I had offered him something that I thought was special...my unconditional love. I still love him unconditionally, but I will not be such a fool anymore. My dreams of our future are over. If it happens, it does, but I have no hope or faith that it will happen anymore.

I also had a bpd moment tonight that was pretty brutal for me emotionally. We were at a restaraunt and he was staring at all of the waitresses. It really hit my heart pretty bad. I have always wanted to be one of those pretty girls, but I wasn't blessed that way. I am what you would call, moderately attractive. It really made me feel ugly and insecure to see him staring. This is not the first time that I have noticed it and I have told him how it makes me feel before, but I guess that doesn't matter. My feelings are not really important anyway because I feel too much. I ended up asking him if he had to fucking stare so much and then we spent a pretty silent ride on the way home. I had to leave the restaraunt bc I started to cry. I really wish that I could make these feelings of insecurity and self loathing go away, but I can't seem to make it stop. I am feeling really helpless about it right now. I have not been working with the dbt workbook anymore and I think that I will revisit it. I have to do something to make these feelings go away so that I can feel good about myself. I am tired of hating myself so much and wishing that I could be another person. No matter how much I want it, it will never happen, so I guess I had better learn how to deal with the person that I am.

Other than the shitty end, the day was good overall. We met with some of his clients and he worked on computers in charlotte for awhile, then we went shopping and I spent way too much money. We really need sweaters because Iowa is REALLY cold, so at least the money was well spent. I can pay my credit card off when I get my first check from my new job hopefully. If not, tax time is right around the corner.