Dreaming.... | kiragirl79's Blog

Well, I am sitting here at work pretty bored. I found out yesterday that my job interview will be on dec 3. My boss said that the people in iowa were impressed with my resume which makes me very hopeful and confident. Now I just need to let that show in my interview. On some levels, I wish that the interview was sooner, but the time is going to go by really quick with the holiday and the appointments that I have coming up anyway. Initially they wanted me to start on dec 8, but that is not going to be enough time. I will probably have to be back here on dec 5 for court over the child support and I have not had any luck finding houses for rent on the internet. I even looked at their newspaper and there were no listings. I contacted some realtors by email to see if they managed any rental property and I still have not gotten a response. I am really anxious about the situation anyway. There is so much that has to be done before a big move like that.

Speaking of moving, I have still been avoiding my memaw since she has shown such a strong disapproval of my decision. I have been having my bf go to get Kali after I get off from work. Memaw finally asked him if I was avoiding her. I guess it is pretty obvious. She really hurt my feelings though. I know that she doesn't want Kali to move so far away, but I have to think about things that are going to benefit my family in the long run. I think that I am making the right choice. Hell, if I am not, I can always come back. I still think that succeeding so far away from home would be very great for my self esteem, both professionally and in terms of proving to myself and others that I truly am self sufficient.

So...things are still going pretty good. This morning the ladies at work were asking me if I am pregnant yet. They keep joking around with me and telling me that I need to have a baby. It kind of sucks because I would like to. I also know that it is not the right time. For one thing, I am not married. For another, I know that my boyfriend doesn't feel the same way. I haven't talked to him about it at all because I know how irrational the whole idea is. I know that there are certain things that need to happen first. I think that it is hormonal. I am approaching 30, so my biological time clock is ticking so to speak. I wish that I could stop thinking about it though. It always makes me start worrying about the whole marriage thing, etc. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever marry me. Then I have to ask myself why they would want to anyway really. My credit is not great, I am not a great cook, I have a bad temper, I am clumsy, and I don't have a whole lot to offer financially. I guess that all I really have to offer is myself and my unconditional love and I offer that to my bf without being married. He said that there are certain things that have to happen and then we could get engaged and possibly married, but sometimes I wonder if those things happen, if he would really consider marrying me. Maybe I am just not marriagable....I know he loves me though and I guess that is all that really matters. I mean, he is willing to possibly lose his only source of income and move to iowa with me. That really means a lot to me. I just hope that one day he will make a commitment to me because I am already very committed to him.