A Really Bad Case of the Blues | kiragirl79's Blog

 Wow...it's been awhile. To recap on all of the excitement....I have moved to Iowa, I am working at my new job, and life has been pretty sucky. I stopped taking abilify because I thought that it was making me sleepy and I started showing symptoms of diabetes. Come to find out the sleepiness is a bad case of depression and no diabetes. In fact, from what my doctor told me today, my physical health seems to be fine. I still want to sleep all day and all night and I have no motivation to do anything much. I guess that the huge life change threw me into a state of depression. So far I have been in it for about a month and a half. In addition to the chronic sense of sleepiness, I have felt that I am veiled in sadness and have had frequent crying spells. I even came home from work early the other day because I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. My boyfriend keeps telling me that I am strong enough and that I can do it, but I just don't feel like it. Most days I feel like I can't seem to get anything right, especially at work, and have even seriously contemplated quitting my job. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have no way out. I am responsible for keeping the household going financially, so failure is not an option. I think that this puts even more pressure on me and makes me even more anxious.

Everyday I keep hoping for brighter days, but each day seems to be harder to handle, even when things aren't quite so "bad" anyway. I finally went to the doctor today after 2 months of wheezing and feeling like shit in general, to find out that my health is okay. She did give me a referral for a psychiatrist. I guess it is just mental. That is usually the bulk of my problem anyway...mental. I wish that I could just shake it, just snap my fingers and feel better, but it's not that easy for me. I guess that is part of the curse of having bipolar disorder...uncontrollable mental instability...doomed to be emotionally unstable, have erratic behavior...what a life....never knowing how I will feel from one day to the next...having emotional crises over everything and nothing at all....not being able to cope with change. This job opportunity and move was supposed to be a good thing, a move in the right direction, but so far I am just struggling to hang on.