kiragirl79's Blog

So today at work was yet another nightmare day for me. My senior pm told me to disregard a directive of our client. I was also told to put someone on a performance improvement plan which I did not agree with. The woman has some issues on her team, but the performance issues can be linked to understaffing as well as poor management. HR kicked it back to me as a verbal warning basically directed at the ladies interpersonal issues with co workers which is really her biggest issue. Of course the worker denied it and said that she knew that it was coming. I almost think that she did. It seems like every time I have been ready to put her on a corrective action, she has done something dramatic that changes my mind. She even went on to say that she knows that we are trying to get rid of her. Unfortunately, the senior pm is trying to get rid of her and I know it......I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't seem to get a clear sense of direction because everyone is telling me to do something different. I don't agree with my senior pm and everyone hates her. I think that there is a better way but everything has to be done by the senior pm's predetermined design. There is no room for innovation or any deviation from her procedures. Because everyone hates the senior pm, they hate the changes that I am forced to bring about. Sure performance is improving but I think that my way would not only improve morale but would result in larger increases in the numbers.....Unfortunately the economy sucks so it is not like I am going to find another job.....I just feel torn so many ways. I am a pm but I really don't have any control over the decisions affecting my staff.

Here I sit all alone, trying to calm the thoughts that are racing through my head.
Thoughts that go from here to there to everywhere.
Why can't I quell the raging thoughts in my head?
One minute it is a song that repeats itself over and over to be replaced by another, and yet another.
Then there are the grandiose, impractical, and the irrational
Thoughts of having a submissive to call my own
Wanting, yearning....for something that is but a distant/distorted piece of my reality
Hoping to clear my mind of all thoughts and draw the curtain to bring dark and certain serenity
Instead, I sit here typing nonsensical phrases, thoughts put to paper with no real meaning.
I did everything that I was told to make the voices and ideas stop flooding my brain with a violent turbulence
I did this all for what?
So I could sit here half dead, tired from the speeding thoughts that I cannot control
I want to cry out to somebody, to anybody to please make it stop
But ultimately I know that I will have to wait out the storm of irrationality and emotional instability
I am getting delirious and desperate
Wishing, hoping, wanting, praying, finally understanding the severity of my present condition
Wanting to see this through to the end
Hoping that I have the strength to weather the storm
I wish that there was someone/anyone out there that could help to quiet my inner demon
Knowing all along that I will continue to sit here alone, trying in vain to calm the thoughts that are racing through my head.

So here I am again after a few years. A lot has changed in those years....except for me. Due to shifting my focus away from getting properly medicated and going through some type of CBT to focusing solely on my career and providing for my family, I sit again at this crossroads slightly falling apart at the seams. I have been battling for so many years with Bipolar Disorder alone, unmedicated....for the past few years I have mainly been battling it half medicated with the support of my husband who should rightly leave me. The past few years have proven to be the most difficult. The shift to focusing on my career has put me quickly at almost the top level of management outside of the corporate realm. I guess I am now what you would call the middle manager for a government private contract company. It is a respectable position with a lot of responsibility. Like in my last job, I am the youngest of my kind in the entire state in that position of authority. It is exciting that someone saw enough spark to entrust me with such responsibility. On the other hand, it is highly demanding, highly stressful, highly political, and I still could use some professional grooming. I am finding it hard to deal with the stress and responsibility of work and home. My bipolar mind is constantly fixated on work. When I am hypomanic, I am generating ideas and ready to tackle any/and all problems (sometimes without sufficient background information). When I am depressed, I can barely force myself to get out of the bed. If I am able to drag into work, I am noticeably not well. I tend to stay in my office because I do not want to deal with anyone directly for fear that I might break down in tears.When I am at home, I constantly churn ideas through my head about all of the issues that I am facing. When people try to talk to me, my mind is constantly thinking about work. I am almost completely unable to think about anything else no matter where I am or who I am surrounded by. My poor husband tries to talk to me, but he is met with a vacant stare. Every day I come home and I tell him about all of the issues that I have encountered during the work day in great detail. Apparently I do this to a few others as well. It is noticeable that I am not alright but I think that most people who don't know me well just attribute it to my personality. They probably think that I am self centered and ego centric. To a certain degree, I would agree with that analysis, but on the other hand, the pressure to let the ideas out....to express them to someone....to fill the silence.....can be overwhelming sometimes. It is like a need that has to be addressed. If my husband tries to interrupt me, I get angry and tell him that he does not care. I am so tired of being this person, but I am so scared to be a walking zombie....void of emotion. What would be worse....to feel too much and too deeply or to not feel at all? I also don't want to deal with side effects...I don't want to become someone else, but at the same time I am not even sure who I really am without this illness effecting me. What would I be like if I was truly well....what does truly well feel like....would I begin to learn to actually live? Right now, I go to work, come home, talk non stop about my day, and then go to sleep. When I wake up, I repeat the process and this is my life.....

 

Then there is also the concern about finances. I am currently the only one working and I am still trying to work on paying down all of my debts. When I left my previous job due to pretty much having a mental breakdown, I did so without much of a plan. In my head, I had figured out that I could not continue the way that I was going, I wanted to be closer to my family, and that if me and my hubby got a job that we could make ends meet. It has been a few months now that my hubby has been here and thank god he is getting some interviews, but because of my hasty departure from my other job and some coaxing and reinforcement from my dad, I stepped right back up into the high profile, high stress job that I had before, just in a better location. So....basically about the only difference is that now I am making more money, I am closer to family, and I have a larger office/more staff to manage. My hubby still hasn't found a job, I am still not medicated properly, my emotional states are still up/down and all around, oh...and my child is staying with my dad until the summer time....While this is probably better for the time because I can not even take care of myself much less anyone else, I still miss her like crazy and it is not helping me emotionally. 

 

In addition, not only am I having the crazy up and down, but I am also starting to have recurrent paranoia and nightmares. I have become mistrustful of my husband and I am always on the defensive even at work. I feel like maybe I have been promoted to my level of incompetence, but on the other hand I think that my constant emotional upheaval is handicapping me. I just hope that I can keep things afloat long enough to get myself together. I really feel kind of hopeless and desperate. I got a referral to a pdoc, so I have to remind myself to call to make an appointment tomorrow. I am in some kind of paranoid mixed emotional state. While I have always been a somewhat paranoid and mistrustful person because of life experience, it is like my mind is playing tricks on me. At work, I feel like everyone is out to get me, at home I feel like my hubby is just using me. It is like my rational mind wants to say that these feelings/thoughts are unwarranted, but when my mind surveys my treasure trove of experience I paint a negative mental image. It is like my mind is pre-programmed to piece things together to promote negative feelings. Maybe I am just a stress junkie....drama queen...attention whore...ego-centric...needy...greedy...know it all. Maybe it is not that my child acts like me....maybe it is that I act like a child...maybe that's why I can't love myself....Maybe I am purposely sabotaging my life because I don't know how to be happy....If everything bad in my life were changed, would I still be/act this way....I'm so confused....it seems like such a big problem that I don't even know where to start.......

So far, I can't get motivated to really do anything much productive. It is 12:38 and I still haven't showered.....I need to work out, but I'm just not feeling it. I just got a call from a bill collector about an outstanding medical bill and I just hung up on her. I did manage to do some job searching. Nothing much new listed, but I did note a few positions that I might apply for. Still waiting on a callback about the site manager job, but no news yet. I am not feeling very confident that I will be offered a position. It is seeming to take forever. In truth, I am kind of hoping that they just let me know that they need more time, so that I can see what happens with the nearby NC jobs that I applied for.  I know that I need to get up and do something but I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated. I just took my meds so maybe that will give me the boost that I need to get my ass in gear. I hope so. I hate seeming like a bum. I have to go to Jungian Spirituality class at the church tonight so at least my whole day won't be lost no matter what. I hate feeling this way. I could just go back to bed and sleep.....

Still waiting on an answer about a job....I feel that I will probably not get the site manager position. If I was going to get it, I don't know why the District Manager wouldn't just tell me that...but then maybe she is just busy....maybe there were other things that had to be done first....who knows...I almost wish that I had more time. I just got an email about a child support job close to where I am staying now that would truly be ideal. They said that my info was forwarded to the hiring authority for review and that it normally takes approximately 2 weeks for them to make contact if they are interested. The beauty of that job is that there would be no need for any type of major move. The drawback would be that the pay should be substantially less. Money isn't everything though....We shall see what happens tomorrow and make decisions as information becomes available. Hell, I don't even know what the pay rate for the position is at this point. I just hope that no matter what, the right opportunity will really present itself. I honestly think that the right opportunity would be staying where I am at....even with the lower pay. Then I also checked on another county's website and my information has also been forwarded for review. That job would pay more, be a little bit further out than the other "ideal" job but altogether I think would still be a better fit for me than the job that I have been obsessing over. I am just scared to make the wrong move. What if they offer me a position tomorrow? I can't just keep turning down job offers. I am going to have to do something soon...but then again, would it not be wiser to wait for what I really want....but then what if that job doesn't come through for whatever reason. So many decisions, so little time. Then there is the whole issue of working for the state vs a private contractor that I know will probably lose the contract within the next three years. The more that I type this, the more I am realizing that the site manager job may not really be the best possible solution...Arrrggghhhh...I hate choosing jobs....Speaking of which....today I was thinking about being unemployed. Besides the fact that our money is going pretty fast, I think that I am almost content with being unemployed. It has really given me the time to spend doing what I want to during the day, so I have finally started to develop some interest in doing things. I even bought some make-up and have been watching some tutorials. I made a list of things that I wanted to get done today and unfortunately, I didn't finish but it was kind of nice to know that I could do things at a leisurely pace and not have to worry because there will be plenty of time tomorrow. If only the hubbykins could get a great job.....then I could work part time and not have to feel so rushed or stressed or I could just take whatever job I wanted regardless of pay and not have to worry about it. That would be the life:) Other than obsessing over job related issues, I have been pretty relaxed but not overly lethargic, which was nice. I do not feel really depressed or manic, just slightly anxious about what I will find out tomorrow, which is normal. On that note, I am going to try to wind down my brain a little bit and change my mind. I think that I have had enough worry about potential jobs for one day :)

Still impatiently waiting to hear back about the site manager position. I have been cleaning and trying to keep myself busy so that I do not obsess......

So today just so happened to be a better day than  yesterday as I had hoped for. I was able to get alot accomplished. Meds seem to be keeping the depression at bay. Other than that, just enjoying the weekend and keeping  my fingers crossed for a job offer next week. Now it is time for some personal reflection.

Jungian Projection?

Carl Jung theorized that when we become angry or agitated by someone, we are really "projecting" from our "shadow" (things that our ego does not want us to know about) onto that person. I was thinking about some of the thoughts that I have had about others recently and I am ashamed at my own behaviors. I really see alot of truth to this theory when reflecting on some recent events.

For example...when I went to visit some friends that I have not seen since high school, I found my friend to be very judgmental and self righteous which made me harbor bitter feelings towards her. This was my unconscious letting out the fact that I too, act self righteous and judgmental but my ego doesn't want me to know that......

I get angry and agitated with my sister when she whines and gets dramatic about how terrible her life is or has been. This is my unconscious telling me that I too whine and get overly dramatic about events in my own life.

Jung and the importance of dreams....

Carl Jung also wrote about the significance of dreams as gateways to the unconscious mind. One common symbol in dreams is falling. Jung theorized that falling in dreams means that you are trying to dip into the unconscious. 

Strangely enough, I had a dream involving me almost falling out of the back of an airplane last week. Before I woke up, I was holding onto a thin rope dangling from the plane. Does this mean that I am trying to dip into the unconscious but I am not there yet?

It was also strange for me to remember as much detail about the dream as I did upon awakening. Normally I have no recollection of dreaming. In fact, for years, it is as if I have only dreamed a handful of dreams. 

Carlos Castaneda and Quantum Mechanics

For some random reason, I was sitting here thinking of the notion that everything is made of light at the smallest level. Carlos Castaneda also described going into the other world as going into a world of luminous beings. Did he somehow transcend bodily perception? Is that what the world really looks like without the hindrance of physical perceptual faculties? Just a random association that I found interesting....

So....just when I thought I had everything figured out, I got a job promotion and moved to Iowa.....Got some brief treatment with a psychiatrist, but nothing too effective.....Then my company lost the contract in Iowa and I got another promotion to move to Tennessee....Everything should have been better right???....I got two promotions in spite of a declining economy and high unemployment, my most recent promotion was a high level position making more money than I imagined "I" ever possibly would, yet I quit my "dream" job to back to Virginia without a backup plan....

I can give alot of reasons why Tennessee was my downfall. I am not going to sit and recount the situation in detail. Yes, my company made alot of mistakes that cost me dearly during my time in Tennessee. I would also be incorrect in stating that I did not make any mistakes myself. I have finally had some time to sit down and reflect on things since I have left Tennessee and I have made peace with myself over the experience in most professional respects. I learned alot from the experience and I feel that if put into the same situation with more support, I can totally get the hang of the professional side of it. What I can't seem to get the hang of and that I have been struggling with for years is my reaction or more correctly put, "over-reaction" to stress.....

So, I have come to terms with the fact that I am unable to effectively cope with stress.I understand that I am genetically predisposed to have adverse brain chemical reactions that seem to be exacerbated by stress. I know that I have to take my medication every day or I will fall into an inevitable and often physically and mentally debilitating depression. I also know that because I do not have typical run of the mill unipolar depression, that both of my "sides" need to be medicated. This is admittedly an area that I have been struggling with for quite some time. I had finally made up my mind to begin treating the issue before leaving Virginia. I didn't immediately follow through with my mental health treatment when moving to Iowa which caused me to be on the up and down roller coaster for the first several months. I finally got into treatment and was going consistently, but then I had to uproot the family again to move to Tennessee. The first issue is that we never seemed to get the medication combination right in the first place. I understand that this can be a trial and error process. I also understand that it could take quite some time to find the right combination much less the right dosage to keep me on a slightly even keel, but the constant moving made it difficult for me to 1) focus on my mental health as a priority and 2) get established with a new doctor. There were also complications with my health insurance, but the fact of the matter still remains that I was not really pro-active enough in my search for a new provider. I was in career mode and I needed to focus on my career first and then worry about me later. To even say that just sounds so ridiculous to me...I know that in order for me to be good to anybody or good for anything that I am trying to accomplish, I need to be well. I also know that mental health and physical health have a great impact on each other. Luckily, I did have the intelligence to realize that I was not in a good frame of mind. I was constantly up and down for just about the whole 9 months that we stayed in Tennessee. Unfortunately, I delayed too long and never got established and really got to working on my issues, which ended up causing me to overwork myself in order to avoid the reality of facing up to and dealing with my problems. In addition to the up and down roller coaster and the ebb and flow of workaholism, there were family related issues and friends were scarce in the area, so I had nobody to connect with. Of course, I still had friends and family that I could call in Virginia, but I didn't even want to talk to anyone. I was so miserable and it seemed like all I had were complaints. I could not think of anything in a positive light. I know that I should be gracious to even be alive, but everything was so dark for me at the time that I didn't even seem to see a ray of the sun. I hate the sound of even saying that because it seems so selfish of me to even feel that way, but I guess that is the ugly selfishness of my soul. 

So, I quit my job thinking that I would get better, my situation would get better. I quit without a real plan and ended up at my dad's house sharing a room with my husband and daughter. Although from a living standpoint, I would certainly love to have my own room and there are certainly some things that could be better, I am trying to learn how to live again and it feels good to be in a stable environment. Getting mentally stronger is proving to be a slow process. I have been home for a month now. I do not have health insurance so I have put a new hurdle in my path to get myself well from a mental health standpoint. I still have anti-depressants, which give me the slight kick in the ass that I need to get out of the bed everyday. Unfortunately, I still forget to take them some days and they have a tendency to make me slightly manic. (like right now....) I have also had physical symptoms like tiredness, fatigue, night time teeth grinding, jaw pain, shoulder/neck pain. Most days have been a struggle. For the past two weeks, I have been physically tired to the point of sleeping 12 hours at night and still taking a nap during the day. I try not to sleep so much, but some days I feel like I literally cannot get out of the bed.

So I haven't been feeling well mentally or physically for awhile. Today was no exception to this gloomy feeling of unrest and feeling of physical illness. I ended up cooped up in the house all day which is certainly not helping my mood but I really didn't feel well to be going out either. My husband went out for a "tour" this morning and did not invite me or my daughter to go. I'm not sure if that was because I was feeling physically ill or if he just didn't want to be around me. Either one wouldn't surprise me really. We do not have much of a relationship anymore physically or emotionally. He hardly touches me or talks to me anymore. I have gained alot of weight so I am not too surprised that he does not want to get physical with me anymore. I have also been very on edge lately and I have outbursts at the slightest thing so I guess it shouldn't come as a surprise that he hardly talks to me or wants to be around me anymore. It is still hard for me because right now I need him the most. I am going through a major life change by moving to Tennessee and I will soon face the rigors of a career advancement that I am a little unshaky about. My husband and previous coworkers seem to think that I can do it. I don't have as much faith in myself. I hope that I can really pull this off because I do not want to put a nail in the coffin so to speak. Back to being on edge....this has manifested itself against my daughter, outsiders who seem to oppose me, my immediate family, and my husband. I don't know if it is because of all of the uncertainty that I am feeling about the job, the move, etc or because I have been cooped up in the house for the most part for a week. The house is still not completely organized either which adds to my frustration. I don't deal well with chaos and disorder and my whole life feels chaotic and unorganized at this point. I am beginning to wish that I would have just went back to va. At least there, I know people and have support systems in place. Here, I have nobody but my husband and my daughter. I don't get out much so meeting people is going to be a major challenge for me. I just feel so lonely and depressed right now. I have been sleeping until 12:00 or 1:00 every day and some days I even take a nap for a few hours. I just wish that I could shake all of the sadness and loneliness that I am feeling right now. I feel like I am falling further and further into darkness. I know that I always eventually dig my way out but I just don't feel that the end is in sight. We are planning to go to va for thanksgiving so hopefully seeing family and friends will be good for my spirits. I just want to feel better. I can't even stand myself when I am feeling this way. If I can't stand myself then how can I expect anyone else to.

So, here I go again, spiraling down into a deep depression. I should have known that Richard leaving for 4 months would trigger such a thing. I guess that I knew it deep down, but didn't want to believe it. It has been 2 weeks now since he has left and I am still sleeping most of the day, crying alot, feeling useless, hopeless, helpless, and worthless. I feel really bad for Kali because she has to see me go through this. She has remained cheerful and sweet in spite of it all. Every day it gets harder to make myself get out of the bed. I don't have the will to do anything, to shower, to change clothes, to eat, to get up out of bed. I finally got up at 1 today because Kali came in and told me that it was late and that I needed to get up. I have some friends here, but nobody that I can depend on and nobody that I would trust enough to tell my little secret. I don't know what to do. I hurt so bad that it is making me feel physically sick. I just want my baby to come back. I miss him so damn much!

Well, this weekend, I had my first visitor from out of town. My brother flew in from Winston-Salem NC. It was really nice to see a friendly familiar face, since things have been so dreary out here in the frozen cornfields of Iowa. Friday we ended up just hanging out at the house because we got snow and the roads weren't good. Unfortunately, the state was looking for one of my calls at work so that they could listen to it, so I have been anxious about whether they reviewed the call and if I did something wrong. Since I had just gotten home from work, the anxiety was still pretty fresh and I had a hard time disconnecting. My boyfriend reminded me that there is nothing that I can do about it now anyway, so there is no point worrying, but I still have a sense of dread about going to work tomorrow. I am just bracing myself for the worst, even though I can't think of a single thing that I did wrong.

Valentines day was pretty nice. I was a little bit mean to my boyfriend as I did not receive any gifts at work on friday. It did bring me down a little bit when my coworkers, who did receive something, kept asking me if I had gotten anything yet. I was surprised on Saturday when he actually did get me something. Not that I think that he is a bad guy or anything, he is just not a romantic really. I think that I hurt his feelings because he said that I have been being very negative about him lately. I don't mean to be and I really do love him alot. I guess that I have just been negative in general. The veil of depression finally seems to be lifting gradually and I have felt better this past week then I have in awhile. I guess that I have resigned to the fact that there is no turning back now. I made a decision to move and accept this new position and now I am going to have to do whatever it takes to make it work. I know that I am capable, I just have to pull myself together and make it work.

Unfortunately Saturday night I couldn't find a babysitter, so me and my brother went to the gay club. At first things weren't working out so well for me and I wasn't having very much luck with the ladies, but by the end of the night I met Stephanie...this really cute little lesbian. We mainly just danced and flirted and we were both horribly drunk, so I don't know that she will even remember me if we meet again. I guess in my drunken state, I was a little bit less shy then usual. She moved in pretty fast and was pretty much feeling me up, so I took the opportunity to do the same. She told me that she will be there next friday so I should come out again. I talked to my boyfriend as we had already made plans to celebrate belated valentines day together next weekend. He mentioned something about us going out there on friday and he would kind of hang back. I don't know, I kind of wanted to celebrate belated valentines day with him, but he might find it pretty hot to watch me and some chick feeling each other up on the dance floor, that is if she would even remember me. Hmmmm....decisions, decisions. I guess we will see.

 Wow...it's been awhile. To recap on all of the excitement....I have moved to Iowa, I am working at my new job, and life has been pretty sucky. I stopped taking abilify because I thought that it was making me sleepy and I started showing symptoms of diabetes. Come to find out the sleepiness is a bad case of depression and no diabetes. In fact, from what my doctor told me today, my physical health seems to be fine. I still want to sleep all day and all night and I have no motivation to do anything much. I guess that the huge life change threw me into a state of depression. So far I have been in it for about a month and a half. In addition to the chronic sense of sleepiness, I have felt that I am veiled in sadness and have had frequent crying spells. I even came home from work early the other day because I just felt like I couldn't take it anymore. My boyfriend keeps telling me that I am strong enough and that I can do it, but I just don't feel like it. Most days I feel like I can't seem to get anything right, especially at work, and have even seriously contemplated quitting my job. The only thing that keeps me going is the fact that I have no way out. I am responsible for keeping the household going financially, so failure is not an option. I think that this puts even more pressure on me and makes me even more anxious.

Everyday I keep hoping for brighter days, but each day seems to be harder to handle, even when things aren't quite so "bad" anyway. I finally went to the doctor today after 2 months of wheezing and feeling like shit in general, to find out that my health is okay. She did give me a referral for a psychiatrist. I guess it is just mental. That is usually the bulk of my problem anyway...mental. I wish that I could just shake it, just snap my fingers and feel better, but it's not that easy for me. I guess that is part of the curse of having bipolar disorder...uncontrollable mental instability...doomed to be emotionally unstable, have erratic behavior...what a life....never knowing how I will feel from one day to the next...having emotional crises over everything and nothing at all....not being able to cope with change. This job opportunity and move was supposed to be a good thing, a move in the right direction, but so far I am just struggling to hang on.

So today was my first day out on the floor at work and things were hectic. It was obvious that we have not been adequately trained. Although things were stressful, I hung in there and I am hoping that tomorrow will be a better day. I am pretty tired and just want to go to bed but everyone in the house is being grumpy.

Richard drove to Des Moines today to try to straighten out his overdrafted bank account only to find that there is no wachovia in des moines. On top of that something is wrong with his car, so he is in a VERY bad mood...I think the worst one that I have ever seen.

Then we don't have food to cook for dinner, so I was going to take him and Kali out and Kali started throwing one of her fits. I finally got her ready, but Richard was looking so sour that I really didn't want to take either one of them out. I don't want to be in the middle and I am not in the mood for either one of their shit. Needless to say, Richard went for a walk and Kali is grounded to her room. I have some training things to organize and then I will probably scrounge something together for dinner and try to avoid both of them.

It is bad enough that I had a rough day at work, but to have to come home to this is just ridiculous! I really hope that tomorrow will be a better day!

Well, my boyfriend read my blogs and I guess that I upset him. We just don't see things the same way. He doesn't think that marriage will help me to feel that he loves me and feels that my self esteem is the problem. Maybe he is right. I do feel like a fat, worthless piece of shit most of the time. I am tainted, emotionally unstable, moody, and unattractive in my eyes. I have a hard time seeing anything good in myself. Most of the time I wish that I could be someone else and feel like I am completely unlovable. I wish that it wasn't so because all I really want is to be loved and to feel loved, but I don't know how.

I know that he is going through alot right now and that I am not making things easier on him. I honestly feel like he will not be happy until he goes back to Switzerland and I feel that me and Kali are the only things keeping him here. I feel really guilty about this because the only thing that I want is for him to be truly happy. Unfortunately nothing that I do can bring him the happiness that he deserves.

Well, we went out last night for Richard's birthday last night and it was not as great as I had hoped that it would be. We went out to Olive Garden for dinner which was nice and then went to a country bar that plays dance music in between. It just wasn't what I expected. I ended up spending most of the night sitting with Richard since I don't like country music and my feet were killing me. Not to mention that I didn't think about the fact that he cannot dance because of his back. We did dance to like one song together which was nice. We ended up going to another club afterwards and there was nobody there so we didn't stay long. The music was better but the dj was not very good. He kept switching from house to techno to hip hop really quickly instead of playing each in like a 30 minute set. Then some of my friends ended up canceling out on us so it ended up being 4 of us instead of seven. All in all it just wasn't the night that I had hoped that it would be. I didn't drink very much and I just wasn't into it really. <br><br>

I guess I came into it on a bad note anyway. When I was on Richard's computer I saw that he has these pictures of these really hot chicks saved on his computer. I said something to him about it before we left. I told him that if that is what he wants then he can go and get it and give them herpes too. It just really hurt my ego to see it. I guess that it shouldn't have been such a big deal. What man doesn't want to look at pics of gorgeous women, especially when they have someone who is only moderately attractive at home...but it hurt me and made me feel really ugly. I am fighting back tears now thinking about it again. I have always wanted to be pretty but I guess that we have to deal with the cards that we have been dealt. For a moment I felt like I hated him and wanted to leave him. He told me that if he didn't love me that he wouldn't have moved to Iowa with me which makes sense. Sometimes I wonder if he just wanted to move to another part of the country anyway. I mean it seems obvious to me that he doesn't feel the same way about me as I do about him and it hurts me every day. If he really loved me so much then why won't he marry me???...I even told him that he doesn't have to worry about getting a full time job and contributing half on the bills so that he can go to school like an idiot. If he is not willing to make a commitment to me then why should I be so ready to make such a commitment to him. I think that we may have to talk about that one again. I don't know if I am ready to make such a sacrifice if he is not willing to commit to me. I could end up busting my ass for two years for him to leave anyway. <br><br>

When we had sex last night, he was really aggressive and kept asking me what he has to do to prove to me that he loves me. As if it shouldn't be obvious anyway...I just didn't say anything. If he doesn't know by now then obviously he is never listening to me. He reads my blogs all the time and either he doesn't get it or he just doesn't really care. I hope that he had a good birthday because I was and am just hurting on the inside. I have done everything that I can to prove my devotion to him but it isn't worth a damn anyway. I am obviously useless and not good enough for him.