The Blog of kiragirl79

 Well, so far everything since moving has went fairly well, but for some reason I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed today. There is so much material to learn in training and then I have to learn all of the supervisor stuff on top of that, so I guess that this is a normal feeling. I was so tired today that I came home and napped until almost 8:30. I am still tired, but feel a bit refreshed. I think that my body needed a good rest. I guess that stress is wearing me down a little bit, so I am trying to use some of my dbt soothing skills to deal with it effectively so that I don't have one of my "breakdowns". I know that even when I get out on the floor, things are going to be difficult, but I caught on in va so I know that I can here too, it is just going to take some time.

Besides that, I have also been having one of my "fat" days. I didn't exercise yesterday since it was my day off and I had to be in early today, so I haven't yet. I plan on doing it once Kali goes to bed. I think that will also help me feel a little bit better. I just feel so uncomfortable in my own body bc it doesn't feel like my body anymore. I guess that I shouldn't stress so much about it bc I am trying to do something about it and I have to give it time, but it is hard not to feel like a bloated sea cow! I just want my body back. Is that too much to ask for?...

The trainer stopped on the elevator and told me that I am sooo pretty...that was shocking coming from another female out of the blue. I thanked her and told her that I don't think so. She told me that she knows that I don't think so. That may be why she said it or maybe she could tell that I was having a "down" day and was trying to cheer me up. She also has depressive tendencies...Anyhow, it was nice to get a compliment, especially on a day when I am feeling kinda bad anyway. 

Other than that, nothing to complain about. New years was pretty good besides the fact that my daughter was being a complete brat. I think that she is acting out bc of the move, so I am trying not to be too hard on her. She has been having alot of mood swings lately. I am sure that this will pass as time moves on. She did make some friends already which will help some as well. I am just ready to get settled into my new job and for Kali to start and get settled into school. She should make more friends which will also help out alot with the transition. I guess that I am just ready for the transition to be over and for life to settle down.

I don't deal well with change, but so far I think that I have been doing okay considering the fact that this was a relatively large change. I switched jobs, moved 19 hours away, (leaving behind all of my friends and family), and pretty much left behind life as I know it. So...yeah, stressing just a little...

So today was nothing special...no earth shattering or exciting events to tell about, just a normal day. I went back to work today. Nothing really exciting going on there...still in training...same old same old.

I have been getting really concerned about my weight gain again. I had started to lose the weight that I had put on after trying risperdal, but I have managed to put it all back on. I feel pretty disgusted with it and the sight of my naked body makes me want to puke, so I started working out again. I will probably work out again when Kali goes to bed. I also got a bunch of healthy foods so that I can start being more conscious of my food choices since that is one of the main causes of my recent weight gain. I also normally gain weight in the winter, so I guess that this is pretty typical of me around this time of year anyway, but I still don't have to be happy about it.

I did get a compliment at work today that made me feel a little bit better about myself. The trainer said that I looked like I was glowing and that my complexion was all nice and clear. She asked me what I was all cute today for. Since I have been feeling so down about my appearance, it was nice to get a compliment from someone that I am not close to. It seems that the antibiotics that I am taking to clear up my acne are finally working. I am hoping that after two months the problem will be solved and I can come off of the antibiotics. The doc told me that if I still had problems after 2 months, I may have to take it for the rest of my life. Luckily it is not expensive, but I really hope that 2 months will do the trick.

So....that's about it. I think that tonight I may revisit my dbt workbook. I have been meaning to do so for awhile, but just never get around to it. Things are pretty calm around here so far, so I may take some time out for me.

So...everything is still going well in the new home. Kali is finally here and she has already managed to make friends with some kids that live next door. I am really happy about that. It will help her to make a smoother transition. I hope to make things as painless as possible. I may have alot of changes going on but she does too, but so far she is doing well. Hopefully she will continue to do well over time.

Richard is still looking for a job. He seems to be a little bit less stressed than before, but he could also just be working really hard to cover it up. He said that he is concerned bc his funds are running low. I hope that he will continue to be positive. I am sure that he will find something. Hopefully the move will prove to be a good experience and opportunity for all of us.

Well, I went back to the hometown to visit everyone for xmas. Besides the grueling 19 hour drive (which wasn't so bad after all) everything went well. I had a slight meltdown on xmas. I was pretty depressed bc the electric guitar that my ex bought for my daughter outshined the bike that I got for her, I wrote heartfelt cards for my family and they didn't seem to notice or care, and I had no gift to open from my boyfriend on xmas. I am over it now, but I was really upset. I don't know why I let things get to me so bad, but I can't seem to help it.

Worst of all, the thing that I was the most upset about this year was the fact that I had nothing to open from my boyfriend on our first xmas together. He bought me a car stereo awhile back and we agreed that it would be my xmas present, but it would have been nice to have a card or something to show me that he was thinking of me. I still shouldn't have gotten as upset as I did and luckily I got over it pretty quick.

As far as my daughter and my family, I am over that too. I know that my daughter will get more use out of the bike that I got her and it was the one that she asked for. I also know that she loves me and that is what is really important. As for the fam, they told me later that they didn't read the cards until later and they at least told me that they are just being selfish. I still wish that they would have told me that they were proud of me.

Well, it is story time....so off to listen to story time with the little one.

Well, besides the fact that I was bored shitless earlier today, it has been a pretty decent day. I also forgot to take my antipsychotic last night and also my antidepressant and other meds this morning....maybe part of the reason why I was so bored and bitchy anyway.

Me and my bf went to the gay club again tonight. I didn't score but it was fun. I even went up onstage and danced with a gay guy. lol! It was good to get out of the house again and also to be able to have the confidence to get out there and dance a little bit. Other than that, not much to tell. I am pretty tired right now and I will definately not forget my antipsychotics tonight or I might go into a hypomanic fit of sorts with all of the changes around me.

So, I am sitting here with nothing to do bloggity blogging bc I am totally bored out of my mind. I have already cleaned the house, it is cold as hell outside, and I am slightly tired yet unable to sleep. I hate being bored bc it makes me irritable and bitchy and I just sit around and think negatively.

I guess I will work on my DBT skills workbook some when I get done venting about the everything and nothing at all that is my life...I have been up and down...positive about myself and then sitting here loathing the day that I was born...I don't get me sometimes...so I am going to work on my dbt skills to try to learn how to think more positively. That could take some time especially when it comes to thinking positively about  myself, but I have to do something. I know how ridiculous it all is, but I can't seem to stop myself and I am  tired of hating myself so much. I am not that bad looking and although I am slightly crazy, I am a nice person...so wtf. Why do I always feel so ugly and useless. I mean everything in my life is going good right now. I just got a job promotion, I finally moved away from town, I have a nicer place to live and a much better salary, I have a daughter and boyfriend who love me...

Boredom...that is my f...ing problem. I am just a dried up old mom. What happened to the "It" girl life of the party. Now if I go to a bar or party, I am too shy to even speak and half of the time, I have not a clue as to what to say. It is like I want to be social, but I don't even know how anymore. For example...last night me and my bf went to a gay bar. I wouldn't dance even though I was drunk and I mainly just sat there and observed all night. I was hoping to find some hot chick to maybe get to know a little bit better. Although there weren't really very many hot chicks there, even if there had been, I wouldn't have had the nerve to approach one. The one really pretty chick there was 20 times hotter than me, so it is not like I would have stood a chance. Not to mention the ohhhh...yeah....by the way, I have herpes and hpv so you might want to run the other way that I can't seem to get over.

I would like to be with a chick but it is not the right time anyway. I have too much else going on to introduce a new relationship into my life. Not to mention that I have a bf and I just think that it would end up causing problems and it isn't worth all of that to me. For one, I am too insecure to let him watch. For another, I can't just have a fulfilling one night stand with a chick. I have to get to know them and be there friend which would end up turning into a relationship and ultimately either her or my bf would end up getting hurt in the end if not all parties involved.

My bf seems to be all for it, but I don't think that he realizes the implications of having such a relationship. What would happen if I fell in love with her?...I am not a lesbian, but I have fallen in love with a chick before and my bf of the time ended up totally in the cold. Does Richard really want to risk that to watch two chicks get it on? I guess that has been bothering me deep down, but I haven't been able to express it to him yet bc he just seems so gung ho about it, although he says that it wouldn't matter to him either way. He tells me that it is for me, but I know that he wants it for him too and I guess that it bothers me that he would risk so much for something so petty.   Maybe one day I will be able to open my mouth and tell him or maybe he will just have to read it here...who knows...

But I digress. Back to my current state as a dried up old mom who doesn't know how to party anymore. I had a dream the other day. I was at a party and there were a lot of people there. I was wearing this really daring see through red lace pants outfit and my body was all toned and my face was clear. I was really looking like a million dollars. I was on the dance floor dancing really sexy and all of these people were watching me. All of the guys were eyeing me like they were ready to pounce on me and all of the chicks were giving me compliments and everyone wanted to be my friend. That is how life used to be for me. I was pretty, popular, the "It" girl...life of the party.

What was interesting was that my bf was not in the dream. It is as if my subconscious was trying to remind me that I was the life of the party before I started dating Richard. It is like I have become this lifeless housewifely type since we have been together and all of the fun has just been sucked out of me. Just prior to dating Richard, I was confident, social, the one that all of my friends looked up to. I was doing nude amateur photography, starring in small indie horror films, and putting on large toy/comic/horror conventions. I was always meeting new and interesting people, traveling, and going out when my daughter was not around.

I just wish that I could find the balance between housewife, mom, and party girl. I am tired of being so quiet and reserved, but I don't want to be all party either. I am ready to be settled, but I would also like to have an interesting social life as well. It is not Richard's fault...I allowed myself to become this boring person that I am, but somehow I have got to find a way to change it. There is this social and confident girl buried deep inside of me, but I can't seem to let her out.

Well, yesterday was a much better day. We got off of work early because the trainer couldn't make it in. She said it was due to the weather, but I know otherwise. She lives in Des Moines and me and my boyfriend decided to take a trip to the big city.

We ate at a german restaraunt which was really cool bc I haven't eaten at one of those in years. Then we went shopping and my boyfriend finally found some things that he liked so I bought his xmas presents. We were hoping to meet up with a couple that I met while I was in Des Moines for my job interview, but they were busy, so hopefully we will be able to meet up tonight for a drink or something. I also hope that they score bc I am jonesing for some 420. We resorted to smoking resin in desperation. lol!

Anyhow, so things seem to be getting a little bit better. We had a good time and also got to see the city a little bit. My boyfriend was also very affectionate which was nice since he has been cold and distant lately. He is really stressed bc his funds are low and he hasn't found a job yet. I mean, we just got here and I can afford to take care of everything right now, so he shouldn't stress so much. I wouldn't want to support him forever, but I love him and wouldn't mind helping him through a rough patch. It would only be fair anyway as he put all of the moving expenses on his credit card. The company will be paying it back, but I didn't have enough credit available to do it, so hah! He helped me so I can help him.

Other than that, nothing much to tell. I recently increased my abilify to 6 mg bc I was becoming slightly hypomanic and my mood has seemed to be pretty stable. I have been a little bit depressed off and on but I think that is bc I just moved, I don't know anybody, my boyfriend has been stressed and distant, and for the moment I am broke. I have also been missing my little girl alot which is not helping I'm sure. Fortunately it hasn't been a full blown fit of depression, I have just felt a little bit blue.

Well, I finally got all moved in and stuff. It has been quite awhile since I have even been on here, much less thought about doing my blog. To recap, the move went well. Everything went smoothly, although it was an excessively long drive.

I started my new job this week. Right now, I am just in training bc I have to learn about iowa child support. There are a lot of differences and they use a different computer program than we do in VA, but I seem to be catching on pretty quickly. So far, I have been bored out of my mind and they really were not adequately prepared to get into training. I feel bad for the trainer, bc it is really not her fault. She has to depend on others to get certain computer logins etc set up and they have been dragging their feet. That has messed up her training schedule. Hell, so far we have gotten an extended lunch two days in a row and got off early all week long. Not that I am complaining, but I want to get the best training possible before I go out on the floor. As a supervisor, I am really going to need to know what I am talking about. I am a little bit nervous about going out on the floor, but I know that I will do fine. I always do.

Other than that things are okay I guess. I miss my daughter like crazy and can't wait to see her at xmas. I've been pretty depressed today. Things haven't been going all that great between me and my boyfriend. When we very first got here, he seemed so happy, but for the past few days he has been distant. I even came downstairs last night and sat down on the couch naked and we just watched tv. That was a real blow to my ego and makes me hesitant to do anything that might initiate sex again in the future. I am afraid that if I get rejected again, it will really fuck up my self esteem.

When I was at work today, he texted me and apologized for not really showing me affection lately but said that he is not doing well. He says that he likes this place and that he loves me. I just don't understand. It seems like he has been unhappy since we have been dating. He almost never really seems to be happy. It is really depressing bc I love him with all of my heart and I would do anything that I could for him and I know that he would do the same for me. I try to take care of him the best that I can and I try to make him happy, but unfortunately I can't fix all of the problems with finding employment or what happened in the past. I can accept this and in my book, the fact that he moved to Iowa shows that he really does love me. I just don't know what to do. I even suggested that maybe he should go back "home" to switzerland. Sometimes I wonder if he will be happy if he gets a good job and everything is going good.

I also told him that I would like to get married one day and that I don't see that happening. This is really frustrating to me too. I am getting older, we have been together for almost a year now, and I know that I want to be with him. I just wish that he knew the same. I don't want for him to feel pressured but at the same time I am hopeless about the whole thing. In the big scheme of things, if this is just going to drag on and drag on with no commitment, then I don't want it. Don't get me wrong, I love him with all of my heart, but at the same time, it hurts me constantly that he doesn't feel the same about me as I do about him and I am only going to deal with that constant pain for so long.

He says that he has a plan for that and that he has learned that you should be with the one that you need, not necessarily the one that you want...He tells me that I am what he wants, but I guess he is not sure if I am what he needs. He explained to me what he meant by that, but I still don't get it. I don't know what it would take to show him that I am the one that he needs. I have done everything for him that I can possibly do and I have stuck by him even through the rough times because that is the person that I am. When I love someone, I would do anything for that person because I care about them. 

I just feel confused, hopeless, and mad at myself for caring so much anyway. I wish that I could be emotionally detached. Right now is not the appropriate time for me to be dealing with this. I have a new job that I need to be focused on. For the most of the afternoon, I was more focused on trying not to burst into tears in front of the training class than on the actual training material. I just couldn't concentrate and focus on it.

Anyway...Richard if you are reading this...I love you and I want for you to do whatever is going to make you happy in life, even if that means leaving. I just hope that you will do whatever it takes to find your happiness because I don't know how much longer I can handle being taken on this emotional rollercoaster. I will do whatever I can, but it is really hard for me to deal with the constant pain of knowing that you are unsure of "us" and that you are in a constant state of unhappiness, even though I feel that there is nothing that I can really do to ease your unhappiness. However your uncertainty is starting to cause me to also be uncertain about "us" and any possible future together. It is like I live with a constant feeling of rejection. I don't want for this to end, but I also don't want to keep pouring all of my effort into trying to make you happy to end up lonely, empty, and rejected. I will try to hang on as long as I can, but your emotional unavailability and distance is taking a toll on my mental health as well.

Well, I got the job and that was the easy part of all of this. Now it is time to get ready to move. I finished xmas shopping yesterday and I managed to get all of the utilities etc straight day before yesterday. Sooo....we are well on our way. I am going to hire movers so that we don't have to load and unload the truck. I still have to finish packing but that shouldn't take long. Then I have to clean...uggghhhh...Last night we had the big going away party. It was really cool. I had a lot of friends come over that I haven't seen in years. I was really glad to see them and to know that there really are people around here that care about me. I really do have friends...

Well, I just got back into town last night from Iowa. The town that I will be moving to didn't seem too bad. It is small but still bigger than where I live now. Des Moines was huge and there is a lot to do there, so luckily it is only an hour away. I also found a nice place and got that straight, so we should be moving out of here next week. I have to go xmas shopping this week bc I am going to leave Kali's presents here just in case something happens to delay us on our return trip for xmas. So everything is going great. I only slept 4 hours last night, but hey, I knew I would get a little hypomanic...I am glad to be home though. I really missed Kali and Richard every day while I was there even though there was a lot of excitement and business talk going on.

Well, I woke up today at 5 am and have been unable to go back to sleep which sucks! Today I fly out to Des Moines for my big job interview tomorrow. Hell week is finally here. I have already packed up most of my things and the complete itinerary is still not final. I am still trying to figure out how the hell I am going to be there and be ready to work by dec 8. I just don't think that it is feasible so I think I am going to tell them that I may need until the 9th. That way on fri, Richard can meet with people that he needs to while I get the truck packed, then on sat we could leave out and that will take all day. That would leave sunday and monday to unpack and get the house straight. I also have to get Kali's xmas stuff, visit my dad....this week is going to be very hectic. Luckily I am kinda hyped up. It will keep me working. I am finally more nervous than excited again, mainly about the interview, although I feel that I will get the job. I mean my company wouldn't spend over 500.00 to fly me out there if they didn't think it was a pretty sure thing that I would get the job.

Well, it should be a great day, its saturday and I am off from work, but I would have to say that I think that I would rather be at work right now. My boyfriend went to a track for a meeting with people from a cobalt car club that he belongs to and I am home alone right now. I am not upset that he went because he certainly deserves to spend time away from me, yet I am still somewhat depressed. It is times like these that I realize that I have no friends and no life. I don't belong to any clubs...I can't even manage to get my friends to call back half of the time. I called a "friend" today and he didn't answer which is typical most of the time anyway. He probably won't even call me back to tell me to fuck off or that he is busy. It seems like whenever my boyfriend has other things to do, I am left all alone. I really hate feeling friendless and lonely...Hell, I can't even go shopping bc I gave him all of my credit cards to hold bc I just keep spending money everytime I get bored, which is most of the time. I usually wake up around 6 and hang out by myself for hours...I just don't understand. I used to be the "it" girl, always surrounded by people...now I am just a washed up old mom...with no friends, no life, just my house, my kid, my boyfriend, and my job. When those things aren't around, I am nobody...

Well, today I feel like I am back to normal. I guess increasing the effexor wasn't a bad idea. My pdoc went ahead and increased it for me as well and told me to increase my abilify to 4 mg if I begin to have racing thoughts. So...the meds seem to be helping so far which I am very happy for.

Me and my bf talked a little bit today. He is in a slightly depressive state which I already knew. I can tell because he becomes even more distant and more sleepy which is how I am. He has also been sitting on the couch for hours at a time and doing absolutely nothing which is a telltale sign of a depressive state. I am glad that he does not react as emotionally as I do but hopefully it will pass soon. I think when we move, we might both end up in hypomanic overdrive anyway, so I told him to rest up now. We have alot going on right now. I am finally way more excited than I am nervous. I have some apartments to go look at when I get to iowa and I will probably go and get more boxes so that I can pack some this weekend since I get off early today and then I have an extended weekend.

We also talked about communication issues. I told him that I think that we need to open up communication. I usually do not tell him what is wrong immediately bc I am usually too emotional to think rationally. I do usually tell him sometime later though. I know that he is not a big talker, but it is important to have open communication in a relationship. Hopefully he understands my point and will at least try to be more open with me so that I won't always be fearing the worst when he seems cold and withdrawn.

We also talked about the blog. Apparently he has been feeling worthless and useless since reading my last blog. Like I told him though, my blog is representative of what I am feeling and thinking at the moment. BPD causes black and white thinking-a person is either all good or all bad. The point of this blog is for me to be open about how I am feeling so that I can determine if something was bpd or was really warranted. It also helps me to write about things that are going on bc I don't have to talk about it, but I still have a release. I have been open enough with him to let him read my most personal and private daily thoughts, so I told him to be prepared for anything. I don't think that he is worthless or useless. I love him with all of my being and hope that we will continue to have a happy and healthy relationship in the future.

I will not, however, edit my blog bc that would defeat the purpose. I am trying to work on the bpd and this is a tool to do that, so he is just going to have to realize that sometimes I say things in here that I don't necessarily mean. I say them to protect my own self. If I write all of these negative things about him, it makes me feel okay about being so emotional. Maybe it is not the right way to go about things, but for now this is one of the ways that I deal with my overwhelming emotions. It took time for me to develop bpd tendencies and it is going to take some time for me to overcome it, but with support I know that I can do it.

So...I am feeling a whole lot better and I am ready for a great weekend with the fam. I have my big interview next week and I went and bought some warmer coats and also a new business suit for my interview. If I am looking very professional, I will feel more professional and confident. I am trying to capitalize on all of the sales going on right now bc I definitely need some new business attire.

So last night me and my bf had our talk and no we did not break up and yes he is still moving to iowa with me. I ended up going to visit my friend derrick prior to having the discussion which I think was a good move. It was nice to visit an old friend and also to talk about things that are going on to someone who is not involved. He is going through some things right now too, so it was nice to give and receive advice and not feel like I was just burdening him with my problems. He really surprised me last night. I told him that I will probably be moving to Iowa and he actually cried, not like boohoo or anything, but he did have a few tears. It was nice to know that I have a friend that cares that much about me. Most of the time I walk around feeling friendless since my life is consumed by work, my daughter, and my bf. It was also nice to spend a little time away from my bf. I love him to death, but just like he needs time for himself and his friends, I need the same. I think that has been something that has been missing for a long time that is so important to my happiness.

The talk went well. My bf assured me that he does love me and that he does have hopes and dreams for our future. I don't want to get married today or have a baby today, bc I know that the time is not right. There are too many other things that we need to be worried about right now anyway. I guess I just needed confirmation that he really does care for me and that this is a possibility in the future. My dream is to have a family one day and apparently that is a dream that we share in common. There are just certain things that have to happen in order for us to take that really big step. For now, we will take the next step, which is a big one...moving to Iowa and hopefully we will continue to be happy with each other. I know that I love him and that relationships take work and effort, so I am willing to do what it takes to make things work. This said, hopefully one day my dream will come true.

We also talked somewhat about things that have been bothering him. I told him that he needs to start opening up to me more when things are bothering him. When he doesn't, I can usually tell that something is wrong and I automatically assume that it is something to do with me. Apparently his issues have nothing to do with me, but I told him that he is going to have to open up to me and talk about things. I know that he is not a big talker, but communication is key in a relationship. If he wants to be serious with me, he is going to have to open up. It is like I told him, alot of times I don't want to tell him what is bothering me, but I do, so he owes me the same courtesy. I hope that he will really understand how important this is and really follow through. I feel like that is another major problem in our relationship that needs to be resolved.

So...the conversation was very positive and I am having a renewed feeling of hope. He told me that he has not thought about moving back to switzerland in a long time. This was a big relief to me and I think that it is demonstrative of the fact that he really does love me and maybe really does have hopes about a future with me. For now, I am just going to take things one day at a time and try to get prepared for our big move. This really is a huge step in our relationship and I hope for only the best.

After we had our discussion, a few of our neighbors came down and hung out. We just hung out and talked but it was great to do something different for a change and also to have some company. Things have gotten so routine in our household, so it was nice to have something to break up the monotony.

Anyhow...today I go back to the pdoc. I am going to discuss upping my meds. I did take 150 mg of effexor yesterday and it seemed to help with the crying spells that I was having at work. I also think that maybe the abilify needs to be increased or another med may need to be added to help with the hypomania since I went through a spell last week. We will see what he says.

So...all in all I am feeling more hopeful and confident about the future. Hopefully today will continue to be a great day!

Well, me and my bf had a talk really early in the morning since I woke up. He told me that there are certain things that have to happen in order for us to get married and that he does love me unconditionally. I don't know if I really believe him. He said that there are practical things that have to be taken into consideration and that we cannot be ruled by our emotions. I guess that is my problem, that I am overly sensitive and ruled by emotions. At least now that I know where he stands on our relationship, it will not be hard for me to emotionally distance myself and maintain the wall. I have decided that emotional distance and keeping my guard up are the best things for me at this point. I have allowed myself to get too emotionally attached and if I can pull back emotionally then I will be less likely to be so hurt.

I'm still feeling pretty bad though. To make matters worse I went to a baby shower today for this girl that I work with. It was nice yet depressing to be holding and feeding these baby twins and looking at how happy my pregnant married friend was. I want my house, my husband, and my family but every day I feel like that is less and less of a possibility. I have pretty much given up on the whole idea at this point. I guess that everything that Richard said was true but it is still hard to accept. It was also pretty hard for me bc I had gotten so excited when I heard that he had a baby on the way. (from before me) I mean yes, on the one hand I was excited and on the one hand I was slightly jealous over the fact that it was by another chick, but I was more excited than anything. Things got sour towards the end of her pregnancy and she would not agree to have paternity testing, so everyone began to have more and more doubts that he may not be the father. In the end, he pretty much gave up. I understand why he gave up, but it was still crushing bc I was thinking that I would finally kind of have a "son" even though he wouldn't really be my son. Seeing those babies gave me an overwhelming feeling of sadness about the whole situation and the fact that I had become prepared to have a baby around from time to time. It all just made me really emotional to see these people who have everything that I want, especially in light of the conversation that me and my bf had last night. I still have this hole in my heart...this emptiness...

Well, its 3:29 am and I can't sleep. I accidentally fell asleep at 9:15 tonight, so I think that has something to do with it. Today was a fun and rough day all in one. I guess with the move lingering in the near future and also the coming holidays, I am feeling somewhat stressed and a bit emotionally unstable. On the one hand, I am excited because it is a big step in going forward with my career, I will finally be moving away from this little town, and it is a big step in my relationship. On the other hand, I am stressed about the prospect of having to find a new place and all of the things that go along with moving, I am hoping that I don't get over stressed with the new job and go into a depressive episode, and I am finally beginning to feel unsure about the future of me and my boyfriend.

Me and my boyfriend had a talk tonight and it pretty much validated what I have known all along, that I really do care about him more than he cares about me. I know I have said it a million times, but the actual validation of it from his own words was still hard to swallow. This coming just minutes after he told me that if we move and he gets a job that he plans on sticking to the plan that we had. I even wonder if he knew what I meant when I said it. I really did want to get married but I don't want to be married to someone who has doubts. Up until this point whenever I have seen the future, I have seen both of us in it and we have both been happy and successful. Now I don't even see him there, although I still see myself as being happy and successful and alone. I guess that no matter what happens, I will bounce back and I am not going to let a man bring me down. I really do care for him, but his words have caused a rift which has caused my defenses to go up. Maybe he just did what I have been trying to do for a long time anyway. He has made me skeptical of the future and I am sure to distance myself from him emotionally to lessen the impact of any possible future breakup.

He said that he is stressed and that sometimes he wonders if he wants to be with me or if he is doing the right thing. It just hurt like hell to hear that because I have never had these kind of thoughts. Ever since I have fallen in love with him, I have known that I wanted to be with him. So I finally got the admission that he doesn't care about me as much as I care about him. It still hurts somewhat but I can already feel my heart hardening to the news and a feeling of emptiness is sweeping over me. It is like I feel like I have already lost him.

I even suggested that maybe we should break up or maybe he should stay here for awhile before possibly meeting me in Iowa. The prospect of moving alone is even scarier than with Richard, but I also don't want him to feel pressured. I want for him to move because he loves me and wants to be with me. Just like if he married me, I would want for him to marry me because he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Maybe if he stayed behind for awhile, he would know whether he wants to be with me or not. To this he simply replied that he has the right to be stressed about the move and that his mind is tired. He said that he is on the edge, but doesn't know why. I agree with him as I am pretty stressed myself, but I just want for him to be sure that he wants to be with me. I may be a lot to handle at times, but I had offered him something that I thought was special...my unconditional love. I still love him unconditionally, but I will not be such a fool anymore. My dreams of our future are over. If it happens, it does, but I have no hope or faith that it will happen anymore.

I also had a bpd moment tonight that was pretty brutal for me emotionally. We were at a restaraunt and he was staring at all of the waitresses. It really hit my heart pretty bad. I have always wanted to be one of those pretty girls, but I wasn't blessed that way. I am what you would call, moderately attractive. It really made me feel ugly and insecure to see him staring. This is not the first time that I have noticed it and I have told him how it makes me feel before, but I guess that doesn't matter. My feelings are not really important anyway because I feel too much. I ended up asking him if he had to fucking stare so much and then we spent a pretty silent ride on the way home. I had to leave the restaraunt bc I started to cry. I really wish that I could make these feelings of insecurity and self loathing go away, but I can't seem to make it stop. I am feeling really helpless about it right now. I have not been working with the dbt workbook anymore and I think that I will revisit it. I have to do something to make these feelings go away so that I can feel good about myself. I am tired of hating myself so much and wishing that I could be another person. No matter how much I want it, it will never happen, so I guess I had better learn how to deal with the person that I am.

Other than the shitty end, the day was good overall. We met with some of his clients and he worked on computers in charlotte for awhile, then we went shopping and I spent way too much money. We really need sweaters because Iowa is REALLY cold, so at least the money was well spent. I can pay my credit card off when I get my first check from my new job hopefully. If not, tax time is right around the corner.

 So...yesterday was a pretty rough day. I couldn't even make it through work without crying at times. I just kept thinking the worst. Me and my boyfriend exchanged emails about everything, but we still haven't really "talked". Some of it I don't even really want to talk about bc it is just my irrational mind at work. Other things would be good to talk about. I do think that we need more excitement in our relationship and I also think that it is important for me to go out solo with friends from time to time. 

He was sweet and did fix dinner last night, which was a load off of me. I had told him that maybe sometimes he needs to take on some of the household responsibility to lighten the load for me. I feel a bit overwhelmed at times and right now with all of the big changes on the horizon I am feeling really quite stressed. I do think that right now would be an appropriate time for a little break. 

I have also been feeling really insecure. He assured me that he plans to move to iowa with me and that if he gets the job in canada, that he will take me and kali with him. I guess that all I can do is trust him. I mean, I haven't seen him looking for places around here and the only thing that he would really need to stay for would be possibly his clients, which I think he should be able to continue even with the distance bc they can have web conferences etc to discuss the website that he designed. I am just going to stop worrying about that and the whole marriage factor. I think that I will ask him if he still intends to follow the plans that he was going to discuss with my dad in reference to that issue. Maybe he is serious about that, maybe not. I guess I will find out. 

Other than that things are okay. Last night was a pretty laid back evening. I fell asleep at 9:30. Today we will go to mooresville so he can meet with some clients. I think I might be getting my nipples pierced. I have to take out my monroe piercing for the new job, so I will replace it with my nipples. lol!